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i can't cook
Sep 14th, 2007 by wrekehavoc

one day, my family is going to buy me a t-shirt. on this t-shirt, i will be quoted with something i say often after attempting to cook a healthy, somewhat interesting meal:

there is nothing more rewarding than cooking for a family.

BC will tell anyone within striking distance that her mommy can bake pretty well (no one can beat my brownies, i tell ya!), but her mommy cannot cook. period. and she isn’t too far off. see, if i had my druthers, i would be trying all sorts of vegetarian fare every single night. this is problematic: BS is an affirmed carnivore, BC hates most things that aren’t full of salt or sugar, and jools? well, he’s the kid who lost weight at his well-baby visit last time, remember?

last night’s rosh hashana dinner pretty much proved the point.

*i roasted a chicken — not too hard, and nobody fell ill with salmonella.

*i made matzo ball soup, which the kids liked even though some of the matzo balls fell apart in the soup (BS wouldn’t touch it), looking like something nasty. (i’ll refrain from the rest of my description as a public service.) taste 6, looks, -12.

*i made a cauliflower concoction in the slow cooker that no one, not even i liked — and now i have a major slow cooker mess AND the house smells like bad gas.

*i made jewish apple cake, which wasn’t my best effort — the kids turned up their noses because it wasn’t too sweet.

*and i bought challah, which was stupidstupidSTUPID — that’s the one element of the meal i can ACTUALLY MAKE WELL. but see, the folks from great harvest were nice enough to come on sunday to shul and show all the hebrew school kids how to make challah. and after they brought all that dough for us to bake and eat, it only seemed fair to buy some challah from them to show them some love.

when the matzah ball soup began to fail, i threw some rice into the oven to bake. (joy of cooking has a wonderful baked rice recipe that results in almost foolproof rice.) i know, i know. not exactly traditional ashkenazi holiday jew food. of course, when i took the rice out of the oven, i burnt my wrist, right in the wrist-slitting position. VERY attractive. (note to BS: i need a really nice bracelet now to conceal this scar. in case you’re wondering.)

so mom, if you’re reading this, i didn’t try to off myself after realizing that i am the world’s worst cook. i just need to realize what you realized long ago. sometimes, the best thing you can make for dinner are reservations.


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