The week in which I post the version after receiving helpful critiques from an editor. Big thanks to Justine Manzano for her helpful thoughts on my work! I especially appreciate what she did, as most of the people in the group wrote short stories. I, on the the hand, decided to imagine the start of a novel. That’s something altogether different.
And before I continue, another big thanks for the RewriteIt Club for posting an interview with me this week! Not scary at all, er, was it!?
Anywho… Justine made some helpful suggestions.
- Some extraneous info in the second para;
- A grammatical oops in the third para; and, most importantly
- We have character growth, but we don’t see any motivation. So we know that Cami has been into Ben, and that she has been going through this ritual of watching him while she’s there, and aside from watching a couple make out, we really don’t get any sense of what has shifted that makes her decide that she’ll speak to him.
Yeah, that number 3 comment made me think a bit. So I ended up with this. Here’s hoping it works.