Author: wrekehavoc

explaining homosexuality to a 9 year old

explaining homosexuality to a 9 year old

Posted on by wrekehavoc

BS left a Time Magazine on the top of the toilet as he always does. he’s always weeks behind on his quality reading, so this issue must be at least a month or so old. one headline that screams from the cover: Yep, He’s Gay.

BC and i were in the bathroom at the same time, she washing her hands and me drying mine. it was one of those slow-motion moments where i saw her eyes leap to the monosyllabic words, words she can easily read. and i knew hilarity would ensue.

mama, girlfriend said, what does that mean?

what?

“gay” she said. duh, mama.

attempting to be as matter of fact as if i were discussing butter or baseball, i replied, gay is when two people are in love with each other and they are both men or both women.

i saw girlfriend processing this one. she made an uneasy face. i wanted to head it off at the pass.

you know, buzz (one of her nicknames), i added, in this world, you are lucky if you can find someone you love who loves you back. it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a boy or a girl.

that finished it. we were both satisfied.

fin.

tearjerker du jour

tearjerker du jour

Posted on by wrekehavoc

cranky jools, who stayed up until 9pm last night, was snapping out of his sleepy snit. he jumped into my lap on the couch.

mama, he said, am i too big for your lap?

no honey, i replied. you’ll never be too big for my lap.

even when i grow up and i am bigger than you?

if you want to sit in my lap then, you can still sit in my lap.

he pauses, thinks for a moment. then he continues.

mama, when i am bigger than you, will you die?

i hate moments like this. before i was diagnosed, i used to confidently blurt out, only when you’re very, very old. now, of course, i’m not so sure. i guess no one can be sure. but somehow, i am less sure than before. though ever more determined.

only when you’re very, very old, i reply.

i hope i’m convincing.

let it die

let it die

Posted on by wrekehavoc

in my copious free time, i’ve started writing abstracts for brijit.com. this way, i get exposed to new things i would like to read anyway, and sometimes, i even get paid for summarizing them.

yesterday, i came upon an article i enjoyed a bit: Let It Die: 23 Songs That Should Never Be Covered Again. and i figured there would be others out there (ATTENTION PHILFREE AS WELL AS MURPHY, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, THIS MEANS YOU) who would probably have an interesting take on the subject. as i wrote in my incredibly pithy (::insert back pat here::) (::insert sarcasm here::) abstract:

Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but does anyone need to hear another American Idol contestant belting out “Respect”? That question, among others, is pondered by the snarky authors, who share 23 abused rock, R&B, and country tracks that should enter retirement, barring seriously novel interpretation. The Smith’s “How Soon Is Now” tops a list of familiars, among them works by the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Patsy Cline, and Van Morrison (“Brown-Eyed Girl” is “the only song on this list that’s in President Bush’s iPod”).

there are so many songs i cannot stand to hear covered. seldom do you top the original artist (All Along the Watchtower jumps to mind as one of the few covers that betters the original), and usually, you get something that makes you cry out for mercy. i can think of very few beatles or stones covers that are terribly good (though i am a sucker for siouxie and the banshee’s dear prudence, but only because i love that song so much that i’d probably enjoy it if it were sung by paris hilton. plus i love siouxie’s hair.)

so anyone out there have songs to add to the list?

today, i am somebody :)

today, i am somebody :)

Posted on by wrekehavoc

it’s official. today, i can state that i am a published author (well. i’m published all over the web. travel writing. ERIC Digests. all sorts of stuff. i meant literarily published.) okay, so it’s only a short story. but it’s in a book. a book which can be bought. and someone else published said book. someone not related to me.

buy the book. support independent press. hell, my story sucks, but there’s some great stuff by a lot of other people in it.

(note to self: time to finish altering the first novel and time to complete the second.)

wile e. coyote. supergenius.

wile e. coyote. supergenius.

Posted on by wrekehavoc

i suspect i am not the only person out there who wonders whether my brain is completely full of information and incapable of admitting more without letting some of the matter, important or unimportant, go.

i wonder about these things, especially at this time of year, because i simply cannot figure out where things have gone. it is holiday time, and i have officially faked myself out. two of BS’s presents, bought a little while ago, were put away in my usual BS Present Hiding Spot ™. Only, too bad for me, as junie b would say, cos they are now officially M.I.A. the kids often play around my official hiding spot, but BC, who would be on the ball for these sorts of things, has no recollection of seeing said items. and i know i saw them last week when i first wrapped a chanukah present for BS. so i probably put them somewhere else so that they’d be supertopsecretsafe.

boy. i’m so smart. so incredibly, freakishly smart. (grrrr.)

i also noticed that a pair of jeans i bought online are missing. they’ve been languishing in a box in the closet, waiting for me to put them on when i finally admitted that i would be comfy in that size and would be ready to venture forth and get them shortened. they’re missing now, too.

i suspect that jimmy hoffa is out there somewhere, using BS’s presents and wearing my g-ddamned jeans.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 4.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 4.

Posted on by wrekehavoc

ah, the happiest place on earth.

first, a round-up of some of the happy moments, for those of you who think i hate everything. (and, for the record, i don’t.)

1) BC, age 9, discovering her “favorite” rides at disney: rockin’ rollercoaster, space mountain, and expedition everest. i have to say that the imagineers (another great job title, methinks) have an incredible way of making your wait (and yes, friends, sans a fastpass, you will wait. and sometimes with a fastpass, you will wait.) somewhat entertaining. i especially enjoyed expedition everest’s realistic paraphenalia; it made me actually even more interested in the area and the people of the region. and going on said rides with my kid? priceless 🙂

2) jools, age 4.5, discovering his favorite rides: buzz lightyear, star tours (and yes, i went on this 6 times thanks to little man and memorized the corny jokes of the person who got us situated), the haunted mansion (which broke down while he and i were riding it one NIGHT, right in front of some graves — and he wasn’t scared (though i was a little creeped out) and watching the how-to show on becoming a jedi. (be prepared for the crowd to get crazy when the man running the show highlights his first young female jedi-in-training.) i’ll admit: i love going on buzz lightyear a lot, too. i also think everyone in the family loved mickey’s philharmagic. i think it’s the best of disney’s 3-d shows, even better than the old muppets chestnut. also, test track (note that jools is not afraid of roller coasters, so if your child is, he might not enjoy it as much)

3) we had lovely meals at boma and jiko. the kids were a little perplexed by the food choices in the norwegian restaurant akershus (we’re not from the big scandinavian food choosers), but as that was where the princess lunch was, that’s what we ate. i would recommend people stick to the breakfast if possible, though lunch is ok (just not what i would normally pay that kind of money for 😉

4) as people staying at WDW, we were allowed to send our kids to a childcare center (for extra $ of course). we chose simba’s cub club in the animal kingdom (so that we could have one grownup dinner date.) not a terribly high-tech place, but when we returned to pick the kids up (at 9:30; we’re so lame at staying out late), the kids begged us to let them stay. of course, they were fed a meal they loved of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, with all the cookies they could stuff; what’s not to like? kids age 4-12 can enjoy this, though they must be potty-trained to do so (we actually saw a couple getting busted — their daughter was in pull-ups. you know it’s not a good sign when you walk into the club and the cast member takes you aside and says: “there’s something we need to talk about.”) $10 an hour per kid. actually comparable to what we pay around here, almost, when you throw in the pizza we always order for the kids and the sitter 😉

5) the parks, especially the magic kingdom, are WILDLY crowded on night when they stay open late. the exception to this for us was when we paid extra for mickey’s christmas party. it was a snap to get on rides that night. little parties and dancing aboundeth that night — my kids danced with goofy, and yes, dear reader, even jaded little me enjoyed that moment. that’s the night when they have the much vaunted holiday parade.

RANT ALERT! (you knew i couldn’t go all the way through in a happy way, didn’t you?)

we used to visit disney when i was little. i’ve sat through a gazillion parades. and even though they’ve always piped in music, the people in the parade used to sing. i’m pretty darn sure of that. so i am wondering why we all sit for hours to watch people lip-synch? i have zero interest in watching people lip-synch. i want actual singing, people. if i want lip-synching, i’ll go watch some MTV awards show.

jools slept through the christmas parade. BC loved it. so i’m just a picky-picky crank.

but you knew that already.

reindeer romp

reindeer romp

Posted on by wrekehavoc

this morning, in the rainy, icy, snowy early hours of the day, BC ran her first 5k as part of her girls on the run program. girlfriend was a bit frightened before the fact; 1) she invited her school principal to be her buddy since BS and i can’t run with her (yet) — and the dear man accepted; 2) there was a little added pressure because girlfriend ended up as a sort-of poster child for the event, courtesy of the Washington Post; and 3) she actually can’t run all the way through (yet).

BS — who is actually fighting some throaty-coughing thing — took her to the run, as he didn’t want me to risk getting sick out there. and he reported that BC’s principal was as good as his word — she ran, he ran. she walked, he walked. and even though the man is actually a serious runner, he stayed with her through to the finish line. (you bet your butt that man is getting a thank you note and some homemade cookies next week.)

i’m so proud of girlfriend. she finished what she started. (i’ve never started, much less finished, a 5k.) and she wants to keep going in the spring.

you go, girl.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 3.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 3.

Posted on by wrekehavoc

through trial and error, we’ve learned that it’s sometimes better to permit our kids to revel in certain media experiences rather than prohibit them and create a forbidden fruit phenomenon. we limit, but don’t prohibit, television in our house, for example. and BC, as i’ve mentioned before, is a HUGE high school musical fan. while it’s not music to my ears, i have no problem allowing BC to enjoy this pretty innocuous, fluffy show in all of it’s glory.

so when we learned that there’s a big HSM pep rally at walt disney world, we knew that BC would be dying to see it. and, as luck would have it, i drew the short cursed lucky straw that entitled me to be the parent who would enjoy the show with her. as happens with every show at WDW, if you’re not there early, you won’t get to participate in — or sometimes just to see — the show. (read: you need to in the front row, if not close to it.) so we arrived, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, at 9:00am for the 9:35 show. a cast member (i just love that euphemism, don’t you?) told us to stand behind a line and we’d have a great seat for the show. we were thrilled. well. one of us was; i’ll leave that puzzle to your imagination.

so BC and i stood for 35 minutes in what was bright, 70+ degree sunlight, and chattered. around us, there were kids as young as 3 who were waiting for the show. (one little boy, who was actually 3, was there, complete with his HSM glitter shirt on. his mother told us that this would be his 4th time at the show. the first three times happened the day before.) in fact, seeing boys dressed in HSM shirts was a sort of new phemonenon for me. (most boys around here would rather be impaled than be seen in such garb. not that there’s anything wrong with it, of course.) there was a little girl from new yawk whose parents had apparently bought out the HSM franchise for her listening, viewing, and wearing pleasure. it was a wee bit frightening. (BC loves it, but beyond a CD, she doesn’t really have a lot of HSM paraphenalia.)

we stood. and we stood. and we watched people sit down on the astroturf they’d laid down on the ground for people to sit upon once the HSM float (which serves as the show’s backdrop) comes through. and we watched cast members move them along. meanwhile, parents around me seethed like stage mothers behind a rope. why do those people continue to sit on the astroturf? why don’t the workers MOVE them? apparently, there was much gnashing of teeth. i was a little frightened we were going to have a reenactment of the 1979 Who show, and i was not about to have my kid underfoot for some gabriella wannabe. i was getting kind of nervous. BC, i said, if people get crazy when they drop the rope, just run and sit down on the turf. i will find you, but just be careful.

when the cast members started to move the rope, they pulled it across, as if to lead us to our appointed spots. but people started to push, and i was afraid that BC would be in harm’s way. sensing this, BC slipped under the rope and plopped down on the astroturf. i walked over to her and slid my legs around her so that she was essentially in my lap. she was able to actually get up and dance with the HSM people at a few points, and i was calm enough to nearly enjoy the show be happy that my daughter was beaming contendedly and had not become a permanent part of the pavement.

a lot of the shows at disney essentially reward pushy parents. knowing that, we waited so that we could get decent seats. but because of that, jools didn’t get selected to be a jedi knight (must be in the front row). my sister in law and my brother in law (mercifully) scouted out a curbside spot so that we all could watch the christmas parade; i think they must have stayed there for at least an hour. you waste so much time saving spots and waiting at disney. it must be part of their economic formula, but it brings out the crazies in everyone.

including me.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 2.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 2.

Posted on by wrekehavoc

you didn’t think i was done yet, did you?

after surviving our trip on amtrak’s autotrain (which was actually a positive experience save for some of our fellow passengers), we made our way to walt disney world. because there were specific places where we wanted to dine while there, like boma (although it wasn’t quite as much fun without my pal jaxx and her daughter beans along like last time), we signed up for the disney meal plan; it just ended up a more cost effective proposition.

the disney meal plan at this time gives you one sit-down meal, one counter service meal, and one snack per day, tip and tax inclusive. considering how expensive walt’s food is, it’s a good deal unless you’re willing to travel off-grounds. (so good a deal, i think, that they will be altering the plan next year and not including tip. at least.) we brought in milk and cereal for breakfast and basically ate lunch, dinner, and the snack (though we ended up losing a few meals in the end.) unfortunately, this results in a boatload of food if you’re not careful. and while i think i walked a thousand miles while there (which is why i didn’t gain weight in the end), i felt like the hindenberg much of the time because the food is so caloric.

despite my attempts to eat plenty of veggies and salad, i started to feel like i had gained a thousand pounds while at the park. i wasn’t feeling my best. i wasn’t happy at the happiest place on earth, and i guess it showed. mama, BC said, don’t worry. you’re not fat. have you seen some of the people here?

while my beloved child was being kind to me (a year on steroids and two babies and i’m not exactly twiggy), she did make me realize something: compared to a lot, and i do mean a lot of my fellow americans, i am not hefty. well, i am hefty, but the people we saw this week were in a class by themselves. we all read about the epidemic of obesity in this country; but this past week, i experienced it up close and personal. realize that i am in no position whatsoever to throw stones. i love people who are shaped small, large, and in-between. further, not only are plenty of people i love on the large side, but i’m not remotely close to being thin. repeat: i am pretty damn huge. but i’m in a different league than a lot of the folks i saw. it’s like a comedian i saw once said: there’s large, extra large, and oh my G-d, it’s coming toward us!

hell, it’s a small world is getting rehabbed because our asses are too big to sit in the damn boats.

the connection i made was with the amount of strollers i saw. there were 20 year old kids being pushed in supersized, double-wide rented strollers. okay, okay, maybe i’m going a little over the top here. they weren’t 20. but kids BC’s age in strollers? damn, we don’t even let jools sit in a stroller. if you’re old enough to go to disney, you’re old enough to walk (unless, of course, you’re infirm. i get that. i really do.) now i agree, that’s a lot of walking for little legs. and there are times when we’ve had to pick jools up and give him a shoulder ride because either he simply wasn’t keeping up OR because the crowd was so tremendous, we were afraid he’d get trampled. OR we altered our plans a little for a rest period. but still. people were pushing old kids around. my parents didn’t keep us in strollers; we don’t keep our kids in strollers. i’m surprised and curious to find out why elementary school aged children needed to be pushed around.

while i’m ranting on the subject, i especially love when people try to put those strollers in the craziest situations. you’re supposed to fold them up before getting on the tram to the parking lot. there are rides where you simply must park the stroller because there’s simply not enough room for the thing on the queue. and G-d knows you’re not supposed to put a stroller on an escalator. yet those stupid people whom G-d must dearly love, yes, yeah verily, they are alive, well, and visiting orlando. in droves. with children who are old enough to not need those contraptions. someone needs to photograph each kid in the stroller (just like they do for people running red lights in DC) and then threaten to show said photo to all of junior’s friends back in podunk, USA.

that’ll get junior’s ass walking.

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Cape Town, South Africa