i’m ba-ack (along with Broooce, who is softly crooning New York City Serenade, one of my favorites.)

there’s something wildly off-putting about taking a medication that will help save your life but will make you so ill. i thought i had made it through okay, but about two hours after finishing my infusion, i started coming down with a fever, chills, nausea, and a feeling that my head was in a vise. i think i scared my kids, too — i was solo-parenting that night, as BS had to go to a class, and i really, really got chills when i was trying to get the kids to bed. i didn’t make anyone take a bath, and i think i barked at the kids a bit, which probably was The Big Clue that Mommy Doesn’t Feel Well. (i’m not usually the biggest barker in this house.) my kids are pretty good at picking up on such things. thankfully.

jools let me crawl under the covers with him and read stories. his one cover wasn’t working for me — i felt like i needed thousands of blankets to keep me warm. i convulsed into shakes and shivers, something i am sure was frightening to a little boy. but he was tough. he patted me and told me he loved me. i was a bit frightened myself at that point, so i really appreciated that in ways a little nearly-four-year-old will never comprehend.

then, i crawled into BC’s bed to read her stories. i was shaking so much that i couldn’t hold the book up. it was a pretty humbling moment as BC grabbed everything she could and piled it on top of me — her heavy blanket from grandma, her quilt (from me and BS), her towel, her robe — anything to keep me warm. and it worked for a time. the girl is a born empath and caregiver. she didn’t make me read any stories — we just sat and talked. i don’t even remember what we talked about, as she told me i didn’t have to talk, that i could just listen and she would talk about something. i really regret that i have no recollection of the conversation; i felt that ill.

and the only thermometer i could find was the little Dora the Explorer thermometer. (i found others, but let’s just say that i wasn’t putting them in my mouth.) my thermometer, MIA since my surgery, was gone just as i really needed it. Dora would have to do.

mercifully, BS came home from his class early. [G-d is good.] i called the doctor on call, as mi amiga Dora informed me that i was currently pushing 102F, which isn’t earthshattering in and of itself, but for someone who has a tough time battling infection, i can’t risk a whole lot. the doctor on call told me to dose myself with lots of benadryl. if my temp continued to climb, i would need to get steroids at the ER. joy.

lucky for me, the benadryl knocked me out, so i never did discover what my temp was in the middle of the night. but in the a.m., i was still at the 101.something mark. BS stayed home, along with jools. it’s half-day at all elementary schools here, so basically, BS had both kids from 1:30 on. they went to the mulch pile and put mulch on our playground; they played on BC’s playground at school with two friends; and apparently everyone survived. my fever finally broke in the evening, though my head still hurt and my nausea continued.

and so, here i am, today. my temp is relatively normal. i still have a headache. i had to force myself to eat lunch. yes. me. force. food. hard to believe, huh. and the thing i have to come to grips with is that i get to do this all over again, every six weeks, for the rest of my life. i hope it gets easier as time goes on.

Walk tall or baby don’t walk at all – Bruce Springsteen