BC (beloved child the elder) – Page 20

Category: BC (beloved child the elder)

jesus wept. and G-d laughs Her Ass off.

Posted on June 28, 2007 by wrekehavoc

somedays, i just look up at the sky and wonder what the hell i did. and no, not even on days like today, when i find out that my trough level (the level of my immunoglobulins post my first treatment) is still low. i’m not skee-eerd. after all, i figure it will take a few treatments before someone jumps up and down and screams, woohoo, it’s working.

but meanwhile, back at the ranch…

1) i continue to do lice checks on girlfriend’s hair. nevermind i only usually find one or two eggs each day and no live lice. i am determined to hit a week where i find nothing, nada. and believe me, lice checks suck. i have to sit there and go through every bit of BC’s topical real estate to find anything. it’s hard, and i am noticing that my 40+ year old eyes are squealing like someone is dragging them uphill.

for those keeping score, here are things we’ve done to get rid of lice.

a) use OTC Nix/Rid product (2 treatments) that probably will ensure that BC will grow another head. [check]

b) put olive oil on head and sleep in shower cap. [check]

c) put original listerine on head, shove hair in shower cap, then let it dry. [check] [and if you’re wondering, yes, your hair smells like original listerine for days afterwards.]

d) buy tea tree shampoo and conditioner. use daily. [check] [smells somewhat like original listerine. ugh.]

e) bag every non-washable item in BC’s room for several weeks. [check]

f) wash every washable item in BC’s room in hot water and hot dryer. on a 90 degree day. [check]

so, one would think that all this effort made a deep impression on BC, as in, “gee, mama really wants these things to get the hell out of our life.”

but noooooo.

BC is in a camp called dance around the world; and yesterday, she informed me, was bollywood day. (and yes, i must tape her doing her bollywood dance moves. i nearly peed myself laughing on that one.) i’m not quite sure why, but in her infinite wisdom, BC decided to dump what appears to be a metric ton of silver glitter IN HER HAIR. this stuff is STUCK TO HER SCALP. and guess what? it makes it VERY FUCKING HARD TO DO A LICE CHECK.

so BS, if you’re reading this, let it be known that i was not supposed to tell daddy. (she meant verbally, so i think i’m covered.) but rest assured, girlfriend is washing her hair in the loathed tea tree shampoo/conditioner duo for the rest of the week.

and she has already incurred the wrath of mama(TM) .

but wait, there’s more.

2) a most adorable little dude is celebrating his second birthday, and i am honored to be baking cake for 60+ people. jools is home with me today, and we’re having a great time (now is quiet time, so i can type on my laptop and he can play Freddy Fish on the other computer). a great time other than a slight mishap.

we were mixing cake number one. jools had his big spoon and was stirring the batter as i was hooking up my portable hand mixer. we used my biggest bowl, one where the kids can stir a decent distance from anything i might be doing. so as i was reminding him, just as THE WORDS WERE LEAVING MY MOUTH, words that said DON’T EVER PUT THE SPOON IN THE MIXER WHILE THE MIXER IS GOING, jools did the unthinkable. he put the spoon in the mixer.

BVVVIT!

and then, the mighty mixer, the mixer that had survived for nearly 18 years, broke. never to go again.

once i made sure that he was absolutely fine, i barked at him for not listening to my words. and he cried, cried, cried, cried, cried.

so G-d, if you’re listening. can you get me kids who listen to me occasionally and think?

oh, and a handmixer would be nice, too.

one more reason to loathe crocs

Posted on June 24, 2007 by wrekehavoc

i own a pair of fake crocs. nordstrom rack had them for $8. BC had been raving about them since i bought her her own pair of fake crocs last year. this year, we took the plunge and bought BC a pair of real crocs — croclings, i think they are called, with their cool-looking neoprene upper. i balked at first — i mean, close to $30 for a pair of mostly plastic shoes? but i know she wears and wears and wears them (though after a month, the upper is already separating from the rest of the shoe.) and darn it, the things are comfortable.

but in today’s post, we learn that Dubya wears crocs, too. apparently, the owner of the crocs company hosted the GOP’s VA fundraiser in may. it’s safe to say that we won’t be buying real crocs again. i refuse to knowingly put any money into GOP coffers.

i looked down at my feet. they look like giant, neon pink boats. i marvel that teens would even consider wearing these things — they are so fugly, so ungainly, so, so, unnatural.

i think i’ll save them for gardening and the pool.

better living through lice

Posted on June 16, 2007 by wrekehavoc

it finally happened.

for weeks, if not months, one of BC’s buddies has had lice. it never seemed to go away. then, several other girls in her class got it. then, the girl who sits next to BC got it. i was beginning to wonder — how on earth has this gotten out of hand?

just as soon as i wrote an email to the school parent’s email list, i noticed BC scratching. sure enough, we saw what looked like lice eggs. and after everyone in this house was thoroughly checked, it appeared that i, too, had lice. ugh. we both shampooed with nix and spent the night with olive oil on our heads. by the morning, i smelled like a sickly salad dressing.

in the morning, i didn’t see many eggs in her hair. she was too afraid to look in mine. but, not knowing the school policy, i figured i would go in to school with her and visit the school nurse. the school nurse looked in BC’s hair and was impressed by her lack of lice. i asked the nurse to look in my head, too. hahaha, she said. you just have dandruff.

i have never been so happy to broadcast to the world that i merely have dandruff.

children are allowed back in school if they’ve been treated, so BC was told to go to class. i’m feeling rather mixed about this. i wonder whether the epidemic would have been slowed had a few kids stayed home a little bit. i really feel for the parents, though — i completely understand what an incredible pain in the ass it is to clean your house to this extent. i am not joking when i say i have done about 30 loads of laundry in a 24 hour period.

–insert scream here —

anyway, i spent an entire day putting most of BC’s belongings either in a hot laundry/hot dryer combo or bagging them in hefty bags (where they will stay for two-three weeks.) i’m bummed that i finally had cleaned my living room to the point where i could see floor again and start inviting people over my home without feeling fearful that a wrecking crew would be summoned to my house. now, there are about 16 bags in my living room. waah!

i’ve also been cleaning my stuff, too. i am not taking any chances.

i wonder how many calories i have burnt up in housework over the past week?

many, many more reasons why i'm the worst mom ever

Posted on June 12, 2007 by wrekehavoc

1) i let BC sing along with the gang of four. pity she continues to sing it as i love a man in a unicorn.

2) when moving away from my crazeeee homemade mix to the safer realm of BIG100, i let BC sing along. only, too bad for me. years and years of classic rock playing in the car have taught her the lyrics to feel like makin’ love. yep. she sang THAT gem at the top of her lungs. thank G-d she doesn’t know what it means. yet.

3) i slipped some tofu into my family’s life. yep. BS hates nuts, so i found a pesto recipe that uses tofu. i clued BS in afterwards; the kids are still in the dark. everyone liked it (though i think the lemon juice in it makes it taste a little weird.)

yep. worst. mom. ever.

the second-grade tango

Posted on June 4, 2007 by wrekehavoc

this morning, when i dropped BC off at school, her little buddy ran over with a look of panic that meant something was very, very wrong. she whispered in BC’s ear, and BC’s face suddenly fell to the ground. i asked her what happened.

BC: today, we have to dance the tango in music class!

and?

BC: we have to dance with boys. what if X picks me as his partner!!!??

i should explain. X is the one boy in the world that BC truly cannot stand. as in, if her brother and X were the last two boys on earth, she would sooner throw genetic mutational concerns to the wind and marry her brother before she even considered X. X has actually slapped her (yes, i went to the principal’s office on that one), teases her mercilessly, and follows her around. in short, he has a bizarre little crush on BC, the sort that makes no sense because 8 year old boys really have no idea what they are feeling. so i get it. i wished her luck with her day and moved on with mine.

so, what about the tango?

BC: i danced with Y.

how lucky, i remarked.

BC: it wasn’t luck, mama. see, i had to go pee just a little bit, so when X was asked to pick a girl partner, i raised my hand and was excused to go to the bathroom. when i came back, i got to dance with Y.

i high-fived my girl. she is one clever little minx.

the plague

Posted on June 3, 2007 by wrekehavoc

meet strep #1 and strep #2. yep. both kids were swabbed on friday and came up positive for strep. (i already was on antibiotics, so here’s hoping that i don’t create a super-breed of strep in the process.) so BC missed her softball picnic yesterday, and all of us didn’t go to friends’ for dinner. it was a major bummer. adding to the bummer, the softball coach was out, so BS had to coach softball anyway AND then work the grill in the hot sun from 12-1. (he has a major burn.)

the bright spot in the day was a surprise visit from nylonthread and her wonderful daughter. sure, my kids were still in pajamas and i looked like hell. but none of that mattered. the kids were so delighted to have another kid (also on antibiotics with a brother with strep) in the mix!

thanks so much for coming by! hope the state of the house didn’t make you sick, too!

best. toy. ever.

Posted on May 21, 2007 by wrekehavoc

BC was home sick from school today. she’s been barking like a seal, her throat is a mess, and she hasn’t been eating a whole lot due to nausea. we hit the doctor’s office, where she was swabbed and pronounced initially strep-free, but she now has a five-day course of steroids to help her lung inflammation go down. so she feels relatively ok (well enough to cajole me into buying her brittney spears-like purple sunglasses while waiting at eckerd for her meds. yeah, well, i guess the girl needed sunglasses, and they DO provide 100% UV protection… right?) she painted and bejeweled a little musical jewelry box for fun. and then?

the SWIFFER!

BC loveloveloves the swiffer. she swiffered the upstairs bathroom, she swiffered the kitchen, the dining area — why, she swiffered the dust bunnies under BS’s and my bed [motto: jimmy hoffa was here, but now he’s gone.] i thought i’d achieved nirvana when jools got a toy dirt devil for chrismakah, but was sadly disappointed when the damn thing kept falling apart and didn’t really pick up a lot of dirt (don’t judge me — a girl can dream, right?) so the day i bought the swiffer was a banner day around here.

BC has asked to swiffer aplenty ever since. i’m paying her a little for her efforts, but i’m thrilled that she actually likes doing this.

pity she won’t do windows…

what my daughter and audrey hepburn have in common

Posted on May 20, 2007 by wrekehavoc

this morning, i bumped into the principal of BC’s hebrew school, a bubbly and wonderful lady who just got engaged. she said, “your daughter was in my dream last night!”

i, of course, ever the optimist, replied, “she wasn’t an axe murderer, i trust.”

“no no no,” she continued. “most of the dream wasn’t important. but i knew it was a dream because i was taking a shower and watching the TV at the same time in it. anyway, while i was watching TV, there was your daughter, and she was the spokesperson for UNICEF.”

i’m sure if BC knew who audrey hepburn was, she’d be completely all about emulating her. i know i wanted to for awhile — the whole elegant gamine thing. but how cool — people’s subconsciouses think highly of my girl.

in truth, no one could think higher of her than i do 😉

keeping the wolfowitz from the door

Posted on May 17, 2007 by wrekehavoc

apparently, paul wolfowitz is now negotiating the terms under which he’ll resign. must be nice. admittedly, no one has ever tried to oust me from a job (at least, not that i know of) since i’m not a morally-bankrupt ass-hat; but usually, people are permitted to create terms when they’ve decided to leave on positive terms. i don’t think there’s much that’s positive about what paul wolfowitz did; and if he didn’t have ties to the Administration (motto: Wolfowitz, Gonzalez, and Wartime Instability, too!), he’d not only be out on his ass, but he’d probably be prosecuted.

now, since i usually talk about parenthood — you know, those amusing anecdotes that help me understand my world and my role — you might wonder just what the hell paul wolfowitz has to do with my children (or me, for that matter), beyond helping to make the world incredibly unstable due to his earlier foreign policy dilettantism. the world has never been a perfect place — not when i was a child, not when my parents were children, etc. but at the risk of sounding like a nutball, right-wing moral majority member (and i won’t even start on my feelings for jerry falwell other than to say that tinky-winky would be better suited as a leader of a major movement, in my book — but what do i know, since the reverend last month pointed out that i, a jew, am damned to never enter heaven), it really, really pisses me off when public figures are rewarded for their morally-suspect actions. it results in a nation of kids who think that there shouldn’t be consequences for their actions — after all, if the people in charge aren’t held accountable, then why should they be, either? look at paris hilton. they’re cutting HER sentence down because she’s such a paragon of virtue. and all the while, she was indignantly pleading that she shouldn’t have to serve. boo fucking hoo.

so we seem to have a culture that permits famous people to act with relative impunity, as long as they have the money, fame, or connections. i was hoping that with a more transparent society, this would happen less and less. boy, i clearly don’t know shit.

as for you, paul wolfowitz, don’t let the door smack you on the ass as you go.

mothers of intervention

Posted on May 14, 2007 by wrekehavoc

i really had a lovely mother’s day. i got cards, a lovely bouquet of tulips and irises, a beaded hairband BC picked out for me from her annual “pick out a mother’s day present at the taylor fair” experience (i’ve gotten all sorts of things in previous, years, including a doll from mexico), a certificate showing i’ve adopted a prairie dog at the national zoo, and a trip to six flags (complete with a $42 lunch at chez papajohns which was truly vile. next time, we’re bringing our own food to the park.) we were going to go out to dinner saturday night, but i didn’t feel up to it. another day, perhaps. (hell, anytime we go out to dinner and i don’t have to cook is mother’s day in my book.)

we had to run home from six flags so that we could sign BC up for the swim team at our local swim club, which costs about a college fund each year to join. they gave us the wrong time, sadly, so we had to return to the swarm about an hour later for the privilege of forking over cash and paper. “have you ever seen so many blonde people?” i asked BC.

and it’s true. i think our pool club is not terribly diverse. it does, however, possess parents who are single-mindedly attempting to ensure that their children have the best of the best of the best. i’ve avoided this environment for years. i am really, really hoping this year changes my mind. see, i’ve been a member of this swim club now for about 7 years. other than another family we know from before, we have never, ever made one friend there. it’s not like we’re unfriendly. but between the very-working-mother-unfriendly schedules (that kept BC off the swim team up until this year) coupled with the very family-unfriendly schedule (sat mornings the pool is usually closed for a swim meet; every sunday morning is adult-only breakfast and swim until 1 pm), we almost never get an opportunity to actually swim in the pool much. i guess the optimal swim family consists of kids over 11 who have a nanny to take them to the pool.

anyway, this experience led to another one of my favorite things to do, which i was able to do for a short while, on mother’s day. work on my second novel 🙂