ms. malaprop – Page 5 – Wrekehavoc.com

Category: ms. malaprop

pet peeve: people who text while hanging out with other people

Posted on November 8, 2010November 8, 2010 by wrekehavoc

OH RLY?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RUjnqH3kMw

one day, BC came in from our cul de sac. she had been hanging out with our two neighbors, two lovely girls who are only a year or so older than she. and, in short, she looked rather annoyed. i asked her what was bothering her.

well, mom, what is up with people who are standing right next to you and hanging out with you but they are busy texting other people?

what indeed?

just as netiquette was created for people who use the internet and email, some sort of celliquette needs to be created, for i fear civility is on its way out. i’m delighted that movie theaters now, as a matter of course, remind patrons to turn off their cell phones once the film has started, but more has to be done.

and i’m afraid it needs to be directed especially at the young, who text more than they talk.

it’s bad enough that people use cell phones while driving. how they can text and drive is beyond me — and it’s wildly unsafe, as this extremely disturbing and GRAPHIC public service announcement shows. that sort of thing looms much larger than just a pet peeve — that’s a matter of public safety. and there are many, many dangers in the land where sex and texting intersect, especially for our young people. not a pet peeve but a serious, scar-worthy scare.

so i will return to the lighter, fluffier world of interpersonal relations and texting. just as we parents work hard to teach our kids social skills when they are small, we need to continue to help our kids navigate this brave new world where technology and personality intersect. you taught little janey to share; now you need to teach her to pay attention to actual human beings when she’s with them. you need to teach her not to text and walk without looking where she’s going (to which i would add: dumbass girl. lucky you didn’t just walk into traffic, like i have seen so many, many pedestrians do. too bad the city can’t sue you for stupidity.)

you would think it would be common sense to not let something like texting take over, but it is. and i can’t tell you how many times i see people, usually young twenty-somethings and below, with other friends — and texting with other people who aren’t even there. here’s a thought, you social slackers: if you aren’t going to interact with the friends you’re with, STAY THE HELL HOME.

i’m grateful that at least BC has gotten the idea that ignoring people you’re with is a rather rude endeavor. maybe she can turn into some sort of evangelist on this issue?

until then, i will quietly seethe whenever i see this sort of activity. maybe i’ll actually call a friend to vent about it.

Waiting For The World To Change

Posted on August 5, 2010August 5, 2010 by wrekehavoc

Have parents become the whiniest group ever?

I have witnessed mothers publicly flagellating their favorite hipster bar/restaurant because it has the audacity to not provide high chairs, even though these places they frequented prior to parenthood cater more to the childless set. I have heard parents chafe when their ginormous double strollers don’t fit on a city bus, cursing at the entire transit system because it requires parents to actually fold the monstrosity so that others have a fighting chance to get on and off the vehicle. I’m still marveling at parents who self-immolate and who consider litigation because their doctor decided to deliver a child by caesarian for the safety of mother and child, as that was not the birth the moms signed up for! Yes, I’ve heard America’s parents weeping.

And, in short, they are weeping for themselves.

Somehow, in this vast universe of possibilities, some people become parents, most in this nation by choice. And once you move away from the Pottery Barn Kids-decorated fantasy of sunny nurseries with clean sheets and sharp decor, you realize that parenthood is not a cakewalk.

Well, duh.

And many first-timers enter into this phase of their life expecting their life to be as it was…with a little addition who just sort of goes along with it all. Oh, how your life will be different! the grandmothers coo. But nothing’s going to alteryour world, nothing beyond having another mouth to feed and love and enjoy. Sure, you’ll change both health insurance levels and diapers, but it’s your world, and they are merely a part of it.

It stands to reason, then, that everything you enjoyed prior to parenthood should remain your entitlement. Of-the-moment restaurants and their patrons will welcome your babe with open arms, spit-up and cries be damned as your child’s cuteness will obviously render any disapproval moot. Your co-workers will surely be delighted when you announce that baby will be hanging out and squalling in your office each day. And of course, that museum filled with paying patrons, priceless antiquities, and art will gladly receive your stroller bearing your awesome offspring.

Would it be nice if the world bent a little bit more towards the needs of parents? Certainly, and what a laudable experience it is when accommodations are mutually agreed upon. But sometimes, they’re not. And sometimes, they shouldn’t be. Parenthood is not about the parents; it’s about raising a child in a society that is how it is. The world doesn’t need to be Disneyfied. Teach your child how to accept life as it is and also to peacefully work for change when situations merit that action. But stop cursing the world because it doesn’t bow to your every need.

In fact, perhaps parents should look inward and decide whether they need to alter their expectations. Maybe you can’t exist in the same ways that you did BC (Before Children.) But maybe there’s a new way to be found, one that works best for you, your child, and the world around you. For example, there’s no doubt that your baby’s adorable; but other concert-goers don’t want their date ruined by a bawling babe. So hit the kiddie concert circuit instead. Or rent a movie. They won’t be little forever, and your life will change yet again. Embrace the change in yourself and in your life; and when the world doesn’t change with you, you can still find those positives that made you decide to start a family.

Besides. Once everyone realizes that it’s actually all about me, the world will be a better place.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

(first published on smartly.com)

mystery dance

Posted on June 22, 2010June 21, 2010 by wrekehavoc

uh oh. it’s time again for Family Life Ed…

BC was extremely vexed, announcing that Family Life Ed was about to be foisted on her class. yes, it’s that time of year again — the last week of school, the week when our elementary school does it’s unit on birds, bees, tampons, and other exciting topics of dinner conversation. i tried to explain to BC that this is timed this way probably because the teachers hate teaching Family Life Ed just as much as the kids hate sitting through it. and this way, they don’t have to see your faces for a whole summer, giving you both time enough to forget that it all happened.

anyway, explanations or none, BC hates Family Life Ed: mooooooom, she whined, i already know all of this stuff. i know more than the kids in my class do. you talked about this stuff with me. why do i have to sit through this? it’s so embarrrrrrrrrrrrasssing!

i don’t blame the kid. i still remember a girl in my family life course in 9th grade who labeled the women’s nekkid picture with the names of male body parts. (i still marvel that this girl actually looked at a picture that was relatively just like her own body and labeled part of it a penis. i should look her up on facebook and see whether this was an early clue to her gender reassignment.) yep, family life stuff tends to stick with you.

i still remember 5th grade: they herded us into the auditorium, let us watch this 1960s movie about becoming a woman (ooooooooooohhhhh), with it’s frightfully deep overtones. and next thing you know it, you were carted out just as quickly, with this useless kit of sanitary napkins and — back then — a sanitary napkin BELT. yes, virginia, i am so old that it was around the time that i hit womanly status that they finally invented self-sticking pads.

and thousands cheered as they waddled down hallways, weighed down by a giant wad of dogknowswhat stuck onto your undies.

but i digress.

anyway, girlfriend and i do talk a lot about these sorts of things; we’ve done so from a very early age. my parents didn’t talk a ton with me about this sort of thing, so i always took it upon myself as some sort of parental ironman challenge to tackle these topics. it isn’t easy, and it took me awhile to stop calling body parts naughty bits. and while i’m not an expert, there are certain things i know for sure.

i think what kicked me into high gear on sharing my thoughts on this topic with the girl was hearing another mother talk of her daughter, a year older than BC. this child was in 5th grade at the time, and the mom still had not discussed menstruation with her daughter. visions of carrie entered my head:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSlffFbJ-Rs

nope. i’d rather struggle with finding the right words on touchy topics than have BC hit them head-on with no prior knowledge.

which brings us back to the girl and the class. mom, she continued, you know some kids are allowed to opt out of the class if their moms write a note to the school, right?

right, i replied. and you won’t be one of them, i added, smiling a little too cruelly. rite of passage, baby.

rite. of. passage.

guilty pleasure monday: america the beautiful (ray charles)

Posted on May 31, 2010May 23, 2010 by wrekehavoc

O beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife.
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every gain divine!

every year on memorial day, i think about the sacrifices men and women have made for our country. sure, i gripe a bit about other things, too, like the rolling thunder people who take over our area for the long weekend. but i have several family members, living and now gone, who are veterans. and i am proud of all of them, and i am proud of all the people, young and old, who have chosen to protect my rights.

and i get really tired nowadays about hearing the old crap that’s continually trotted out as supposed common knowledge: that because i disagree with the war in iraq that i somehow don’t care about service people. it’s actually because i care about service people that i am disgusted with what has gone down as one of the worst military blunders, in my view, in american history. (and we have had our share of those, sadly. you don’t have to look far for them. vietnam, for starters… bay of pigs… i could keep going here…) first and foremost, these are our people — someone’s son, someone’s daughter, someone’s mom or dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin… these are people who have stepped up to the plate and who have pledged to protect our nation.

but what exactly are they protecting our nation from in iraq?

i can understand going after terrorists, and frankly, the mess that is afghanistan is partially due i think to our half-hearted attention to that part of the world. i agree there are times when our military stands strong in the face of horror; and that’s a part of the world where we should have been looking all along.

and now, it is all such a colossal mess.

i can’t believe it is yet another memorial day, and we are still in iraq. we still aren’t making a dent in afghanistan. pakistan is nuts. and we are no closer now to finding osama bin laden.

well, maybe there is a segment in this country that finds me unpatriotic. but it is because of the sacrifices and hard work of my immigrant grandparents, it is because of all that my parents have taught me, and it is all because of the world i want my children to inherit from my generation that i disagree with the military direction of this nation. i disagree loudly. i disagree deeply. and i will disagree patriotically.

and you can bet that i know that i can thank a soldier for that.

little miss can’t be wrong

Posted on May 20, 2010May 20, 2010 by wrekehavoc

you know the type.

so i’ve just returned from my monthly IV of gammaglobulin goodness, a ritual i endure every four weeks for the rest of my life. it’s not so bad — the ladies who take care of me are amazingly wonderful and endure ME relatively well, considering i have to go through seven bottles over the course of about 5 or 6 hours (on a good day) with veins like keith richards’. today, i blew first IV connection in my right arm thanks to having thick blood that apparently clotted, leaving the IVIG nowhere to go but backwards. poke number two in the left arm worked for a short while until something ouchy and stingy happened. luckily, by this time, i had only one bottle left, so the lady i annoy the most (and who i love to pieces) put in a butterfly on another site in my right arm and i did not move my arm for about 30 minutes. no biggie.

in fact, i was able to run to the nearby wegman’s, which was cool because jools had run out of his favorite Phillies Graham Slam ice cream, and wegmans is the only place around here that sells it. so, since i was finished at two, i skedaddled over to the wegman’s before starting the 40 minute+ drive home. since it was 85 degrees out, i decided to park in the “underground” lot. i zipped over to take the stairs, but as the elevator doors opened right up in front of me, i figured what the hell — i’ll climb in since it’s going up anyway.

as the doors were about nearly closed, i heard a voice shriek: hold that elevator! my pavlovian response, of course, was to stick my hand on the door and get the sensors to realize the doors shouldn’t shut. (why didn’t i press a button, you wonder? well, you need a PhD to read the actual buttons on that particular elevator; for a machine that literally only goes between two floors, it’s a bit unreal.) in walks a tall, poodley-haired suburban blonde lady and her equally tall, late teen/early 20s daughter. thanks, she said. i smiled politely, nodded at her, and did what all self-respecting people do on an elevator; i moved to the far corner. i hurt my foot this morning she announced, perhaps to the daughter, who didn’t say anything. yes, i hurt my foot this morning, she repeated louder, clearly looking to justify why she had made a person stop an elevator that was nearly closed so that she could ride. i looked at her, wondering what exactly she wanted me to do — perhaps break out my medical kit?

then, she looked at my two bandaged arms. in a voice usually reserved for naughty children who have just pushed someone else’s child down off a cliff — or maybe her bichon frise just made a little pooh on your lawn, she exclaimed, “Uh oh! Uh oh!”

realizing that she had not, in fact, turned into a teletubby, i knew i was the reason for the uh ohs. for that split second, i wanted to say well, i was shooting up my smack today, but i missed. shit could happen to anyone, right?

but i didn’t. somehow, though, i knew she was demanding an explanation for bandaged arms. and as the nice girl i forever am, i had to give one. i had some IVs in my arms today.

Uh oh!

am i riding this elevator with rainman’s mother?

the IVs save my life.

that gave her an inscrutable look. the doors then opened, and i made a beeline for the frozen food section.

clean

Posted on March 31, 2010March 28, 2010 by wrekehavoc

it’s official: i am laundry-challenged.

i grew up in a family where my mom or dad pretty much did the laundry for everyone in the house; so when i got married, i figured that BS and i would just do giant loads of each other’s laundry and move on with life. after all, it doesn’t really bother me to do laundry; it’s not like i have to go down to the river and beat the clothes on rocks. at the time, i was usually too bothered to separate lights from whites from darks.

this offended his laundry sensibilities; BS told me he would do his own.

for about 30 seconds, my nose was out of joint about this until i realized, hell, i only have to do my own laundry.

and so it went. two kids later, i am the primary laundress around here — though BS still does his own laundry. i wash the kids’ clothes except for certain key moments. like when there’s barf all over them. or, better yet, a bucket of swallowed blood. then, my beloved spouse steps up to the plate and takes on the worst of the body fluids.

(which i sincerely appreciate, i would add.)

anyway, we have had our laundry-related mishaps. for example, there was the time when preschool aged jools left a red crayon in his pocket… a crayon which melted all over our clothes when it hit the dryer. BS was not amused. while several articles of clothing simply could not be rehabbed and thus had to go to the giant hamper in the sky, i still needed to clean out the drum of the dryer, which had lots of red streaks splayed around it.

eventually, after researching the issue (and getting at least 15 different dirty looks from my clean-minded spouse), i discovered that i could clean it all out with a substance called goo gone. the only problem, of course, was that the label indicated that if the goo gone ended up in contact with heat, hilarity would not ensue.

oh, how i fretted! i did not want my laundry machine to blow our family to kingdom come. but i also knew that BS needed to do a load of whites, and he was going to be most unhappy should his clothing end up candy-striped. so i said a little prayer, took a little dab and wiped down the drum. and lo and behold, it WORKED! and more importantly, WE DIDN’T END UP RIDING OUR HOUSE THROUGH THE SKIES TO VISIT THE WIZARD OF OZ!

joy!

so now, i’m careful to check pockets, though a stray piece of gum or penny often escapes my search.

but i’m still mystified: somehow, even though i separate whites from lights from darks; even though i measure my detergent and follow instructions — i cannot get hellboy’s socks clean! what do these kids DO in their socks? i have tried bleach. I have tried baking soda. i have tried drinking a glass of shiraz to try and not care about it.

but Jaysus! my kids walk around in the dirtiest, stinkiest socks on the planet. and short of buying new ones on a monthly basis, i am stumped as to what to do. i have clearly failed the laundry mom experience.

somewhere, my home economics teacher is laughing.

happy just to be nominated

Posted on March 25, 2010 by wrekehavoc

thanks so much for nominating two of my posts for the just posts of 2009 award!

peace train

and

guilty pleasure monday: millworker (james taylor)

voting is over now, and winners have not yet been announced. but check out the page — there are some really amazing thought-provoking posts up there.

it truly is an honor just to be nominated.

egregious '80's: time for requests

Posted on October 19, 2009February 9, 2010 by wrekehavoc

we interrupt this guilty pleasure monday for a general announcement. you may not like it. you have been warned…

november is coming around; and those of you who have been with me for all these years know what THAT means…

nablopomo!

yes, national blog posting month. every year for the past few years, i have been making a concerted effort to blog every single day in the month of november. i tend to pick a theme (or few) and beat it to death attract people who probably ought to get better hobbies rather than arguing with me over the idea that the song playground in my mind has redeeming qualities start lively discussions. it’s a lot of fun, and i make a lot of new bloggy friends this way, many of whom i am quite good friends with now. (and no, i am not being stalked. yet. i think.) in november 2007, i took on several leitmotifs: best and worst children’s books ever (it was a bonding moment when i discovered that i am not the only person who loathes the giving tree) as well as great grownups music for kids.

last year, i took on the now-legendary blatantly bad ’70s music. and make no mistake about it: people out there do respond to this delightful tiptoe through some truly awful music. oh, the agony of the earworms! oh, the pain of hearing people defend why wildfire is just the most. amazing. song. evah. oh, the magic of songs like i’ve been to paradise, but i’ve never been to me! yes, i had to do penance for that monthus terribulus by providing an entire month of guilty pleasure mondays that were good 1970s songs. songs like bad blood by neil sedaka and elton john.

you’re welcome.

it was so much fun to crucify some of the worst in ’70s music that i thought, hell, why not go after the eighties? that’s my primary era, and there’s so much crap there — some wildly obvious. so i’m making a list and checking it twice. and in november, hold onto your izods and your jheri curls, cos i’m going to attempt to corral some of the most awful offenders on your then-radio dial. (or MTV station, back when Music Video Television actually played videos.)

so please: share your requests in the comments section below or on my contact page. (not on my facebook page, please, as i will lose your stuff in a matter of days when the comments go south.)

the request line is open.

(and, as always, guilty pleasure monday gets suspended in november so you can get all the earworms i can squeeze into a month. bad ones, that is.)

blog action day: like the weather

Posted on October 15, 2009February 9, 2010 by wrekehavoc

every year, i participate in blog action day. i like to tilt at windmills as much as the next grrl, and they always pick topics about which i tend to care.

this year, the topic: climate change.

as a mom and as a somewhat crunchy being, i tend to worry about polar bears and glaciers and all sorts of seemingly unnatural alterations to our present time-space continuum. i often wonder when the day will come when kansas develops coastal waterfront property. i ponder whether my kids — and, G-d-willing, their kids — will inherit a world that continues to turn and continues to exist as we know it. and, being one whose own health is a somewhat fragile topic, i also do imagine the potential health issues that happen when climates go awry.

greater heatwaves hit people, especially those poor folks who don’t have air conditioning or who choose (insert tongue firmly in cheek as that word is said) to live al fresco. (well, that’s what my conservative friends tell me. homelessness, apparently, is a life choice. and apparently, climate change is a complete farce. next, they’ll be telling me that i should trust in big business and the free market. but i digress. per usual.) and when it gets very, very hot, all sorts of diseases can become even more of a problem before. for example, mosquitoes would dig climate change, if they had brains bigger than an atom, because it increases their ability to find a date and dinner, which of course can lead to all sorts of happiness for mosquitoes but also a whole world of trouble for us two-legged buffet tables.

and when it’s cold, well, in short, people freeze to death.

i suspect there are potential long-term problems in the offing. agriculture can suffer, which could mean people could go hungry, people might have to move. while in the midwest recently, i saw a news segment about a farm that had a bumper crop of pumpkins thanks to the hotter, wetter summer. however, every other crop of theirs — tomatoes, etc — went straight to hell thanks to rot. i’m not especially a fan of pumpkin pie, and i don’t want to face a future where i have to eat any sort of squash in order to maintain my existence.

see, one can only eat so much zucchini before one contemplates something drastic.

now some people think that global warming is a crock of shit. but i find that a lot of the commentary on global warming tends to be from people who cherrypick their data. i will freely admit that as someone who doesn’t study the topic 24/7, i try to comprehend the information that bombards me. but i cannot understand people who shut down the discussion. i have plenty of friends who think the whole idea of global warming is bunk, and they pull my tail at all turns (and they will likely pull it in the comments section as well. go for it, kids.) even if you believe global warming is bunk, can you not fathom the idea that perhaps looking toward some better practices could only improve health on the planet? is it so wrong to try to develop and use new technologies to use fewer amounts of non-renewable natural resources and possibly, just possibly, make the air cleaner and easier to breathe? is it wrong to try and work on agricultural solutions that don’t employ so damn many chemicals, some of which are polluting not only the earth but ourselves, thanks to the toxicity of these antibiotics and other supposedly-safe substances on our systems?

i get very tired of the naysayers who don’t want to explore solutions and who only want to piss on the progress parade.

so all right. who knows whether the ice age is coming. who knows whether we’ll all evaporate into vapor. who knows whether animals as we know it will die out. we could all be drinking beer with jimi hendrix in heaven tomorrow for all we know. but i believe that it is our responsibility as people on the planet to encourage anything to help us all live healthier lives, and that includes voting on policies that encourage safer and environmentally-friendly industrial practices. who knows: there may be an economic stimulus in there somewhere that will help us get out of this global financial rut we’re in as well.

it could be a win-win on the health front: our health, and the health of our world.

san francisco (be sure to wear flowers in your hair) : part two

Posted on October 13, 2009February 9, 2010 by wrekehavoc

i know, i know. i left you in suspense since part one.

you’d be surprised how nice airline people and TSA folks can be. on that friday morning at an undogly hour, when the lady at the northwest counter started to help me check my bag [note to self: you needn’t have bothered. people took bags the size of wisconsin on the plane.], she asked me a simple question: are you okay?

in what may end up being my finest impression of mary tyler moore, i sobbed: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

that lady came over the counter and gave me a hug. when she found out that this was my first solo trip since having kids, she said girl, my son needed a break from me when he was three months old. you need to get out. this will be good for you! so i got my bag checked and a mini-psych session. who knew!

i then dragged my tear-stained, hadn’t-slept-since-tuesday-night-face through the TSA area. i have been lectured endlessly that the humorless people of TSA are not to be trifled with. no jokes, no conversation, nada. in short: do not taunt happy funball. i’m a friendly sorta chick, but lucky for me, i was one stripe short of a flag. i dragged myself through. Mr. TSA Guy stopped me. oh shit, i thought. my very existence will get me flagged for something i have not done. time for the instant replay of everything i have done wrong this week: i’ve put some whites in with darks in the laundry. i’ve ignored a few emails. i probably dropped the f-bomb in front of the kids while swerving my way through DC traffic…

then, a deep voice: are you ok, miss?

a loaded question from a TSA person, right? at least, it was to a sleep-deprived, unhappy flier like me. but somewhere, the answer came:

i miss my kids.

TSA Guy smiled at me. i understand, miss. i smiled back and walked on through. SWEET! score one for crazy mothers everywhere. i did all i had to do, removed various articles of clothing, bought coffee, and got on the plane.

sadly, i couldn’t get a direct flight from DCA to SFO, so i had the pleasure of a three-hour layover in scenic minneapolis. i was pretty freaking happy to have that layover, though, as the plane ride from DCA to the twin cities was nightmarishly turbulent, so much so that the air hosts tried to start beverage service twice and twice failed. i’m not a happy flier to begin with; to ride a plane that feels like it’s a trampoline fest? priceless. (if i ever find that kind tax lawyer who talked to me through the entire experience, i will definitely see that he gets knighted.)

so spending three hours in the minneapolis airport was a godsend to a person desperate to be on the ground. i walked up and down and all around. i bought a powerball ticket, as BS and i have decided that people who win powerball usually live in places which can probably be bought, lock, stock, and barrel, by the dollars garnered by said winning ticket. [read: the deep south, the rural midwest. maybe minneapolis isn’t rural, but it isn’t far from rural places. (yeah, i know, i know. it’s not like the people’s republic of arlington is that far away from rural places…or rural places that are dotted with mcmansions, anyway.)] i got a hand massage — only my right for some reason — in the body shop by a lady who clearly thought i needed a break. i watched endless CNN coverage of the selection of the olympic city. (as an aside, i was taken aback by the coverage, as the commentator was actually upset — UPSET — when chicago was first dinged off the list. walter cronkite shedding a tear at the news of JFK’s death? definitely defensible. this guy getting actually red-faced over chicago? SERIOUSLY? did this guy spend any time in J-school?)

after starting and finishing war and peace, it was time to board the second plane du jour.

a bigger plane. yay. a lovely older couple flying to SF en route to china beside me. fine. a little late departure? no problem. we’re up, then we’re down.

and i had finally arrived.