today i marched over to the county office to apply for a home occupation permit. no, that is not a permit that allows me to live in my home, but rather it is a permit to allow me to operate a business from my home. i now have an official business number, the right to pay taxes on tangible business property (starting 1/2003), and the right to pay business taxes. considering the amount of money i am making doing freelancing, it looks like i will owe no business taxes this year, although i will have to figure out how to put together a schedule of all my business implements of torture. joy. i had to draw a picture of my house and driveway on a piece of paper to show where i can legally park my car – for business purposes. my tax dollars at work.

since i put in too much money at the parking meter (per usual – i always figure that the county will be less efficient than it is. shockingly, nearly every interaction i have ever had with arlington county has been – well, pleasant. it is as if they hire intelligent and helpful people. what a concept.), i walked over to Cosi for a raspberry cafe au lait. i love those things but rarely have them. it reminded me of the time when we had to suddenly vacate our house and move to a furnished apartment for three months during an unexpected glitch in our home remodeling process. on weekends, i would walk BC in her stroller over to this Cosi and get the aforementioned raspberry cafe au lait. she was just a little over a year old at the time. i loved walking with her there – showing her all the places and hearing all the noises that you can hear when you trot around an urban area. i am getting all weepy now thinking about it, as yesterday, we had a party at her school for all the kids who are moving up into the oldest class – the lions. one of the newest little lions is my very own BC. at a little ceremony, she cried her eyes out when her name was called to come and get her little certificate. all she wanted was daddy. she clung to BS like he was going to evaporate. poor little one. later on, her old teacher asked her why she felt like she had to have “all that drama.” that pretty much sums my new little lion. very dramatic. a fuss for every occasion.

i hope it is just a phase.

i just feel like a cloud waiting to rain. i am wondering whether there is anything on earth that i do well. or maybe even slightly competently. there are days when despair crowds around my head like a scratchy wool sweater being pulled over and then down around my neck. sometimes i feel like a shitty mother, a shitty wife, a shitty daughter, a shitty friend, a shitty citizen, a shitty human.

and sometimes, when i think i am feeling pretty strong, i absorb my friends' or loved ones' problems. the fear and anxiety enters my pores and literally becomes part of me. and it brings me down. there was a time when i actually was okay with my friends being truly fucked up, as listening to their colossally-hideous woes kept me from thinking about my own. that was mostly in high school and college. now that we are grown-ups, most of my friends don't have incredibly screwed-up lives. that part exited their lives along with their 20s. but every now and then, i hear something and i cannot help but internalize it a bit. BS sometimes calls me counselor troy, the empath. i'm that bad.

so i heard this song while i was driving, and, wuss that i am, i started to cry. people on Rte. 66 were looking at me, drivin' and a'cryin'. i'm sure they thought i escaped from st. elizabeth's.

True Colors
Cindy Lauper

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
true colors
true colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Night Before Last's Pre-Bed Conversation with BC:

BC: “Mommy, who got me my blanky?”
Me: My friend Debby.
BC: Does Debby have a child?
Me: Debbie has 3 children, one of whom is your age.
BC thinks for a minute.
BC: Mommy, Debby's lucky. She has children. Sharon is lucky. She has children. You are unlucky. You have a child.
Me:Trying to hold back the tears that are forming and thankful that the room is dark. I am the luckiest because i have YOU.

This Morning's Chat with BC While in the Bathroom. Appropos of Nothing, I Might Add.

BC: Mommy, what would you do if you had a boy and a girl?
Me: I'd be fine and we'd all be happy.
BC: Mommy, what would you do if you had a girl and another girl?
Me: I'd still be fine and we'd still be all happy.
BC: Thinking. Mommy, what if you had 50-60 boys and girls? How would you get their carseats in the car?”
Me: I don't know, honey. That's a lot of kids to get in the car.
BC:Thinking again. Mommy, what if you had 50-60 kids all at the same time in your tummy?”
Me: Cracking up on the inside. Honey, I don't think that could happen. My tummy is not big enough for that!

BC is on a major baby kick. i am not pregnant, but BC seems to think i should be.

BC is also on a major death kick. last night, she asked me when she and i and her dad will die. as if i somehow possess the certain knowledge of everything. “hopefully not for a long, long time, if we all stay healthy and happy,” was all i could muster.

my little gothic obstetrician.

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

when we last left our hero, she had one tube out of her ear and one tube still in her ear. we went to the ENT today to see whether girlfriend needed surgery to remove the one tube, which has now been in her ear for over 2.5 years. (eek.) i was already requesting library books, like “Franklin goes to the Hospital” and “Curious George Visits the Hospital,” just in case.

now girlfriend really, really does not like the ENT. ENT is excellent, you should know, but he doesn't exactly always have the best bedside manner with little people – ironic considering his specialty is pediatric otolaryngology. but today, the moon and stars were aligning, and he was nice. last time, she would not open her mouth for ENT to look at her huge tonsil. and she barely was willing to let him look in her ear. in short, during our last visit, she had a meltdown in the office to beat the band.

enter uncle howie. girlfriend told me that when we last visited, he said what a big girl she was and how wonderfully she opened her mouth and let him look in her mouth and ears, and how he wished all of his patients were so brave. so when we went to ENT, she let him look in her ears, just like uncle howie does. and when ENT asked her to open her mouth wide, she did it, just like she would for uncle howie. when ENT asked “is uncle howie a doctor?” i said yep, he is in family practice, and he doesn't think anything needs to happen with her tonsils. and ENT smiled and said “that uncle howie is a smart guy. i agree with him.”

ENT also noted that the tube is now barely hanging on in her ear. rather than put her under anesthesia, he would prefer to wait another 4 months to see whether it will continue on its course out of her ear. he said there is always a risk to her hearing when the tube remains in there, but you have to balance that with the risk of putting her under. he would prefer to not do surgery unless he really has to. so two days after xmas, we go back. yippee.

the news of the day. special thanks to uncle howie, who apparently is helping kira think that doctors are actually nice 🙂 if only all doctors were like uncle howie and all nurses were like aunt karin, it would make my job as a mom a little easier. ::sigh::

music radio wabc

my brother showed me this link once, and now i am addicted. anyone who is my age who grew up in the NY metro area will remember WABC, the annoying little yellow musical note that was on bumperstickers, etc, and all the wacky DJs. this site also has the jingles that are still stuck in my head.

Dan-In-gram SHOW!!!