today was a wednesday morning when i make myself scarce because the cleaning ladies are here and i don’t like to get in their way. i spent some more time on my laptop, looking at potential places to take a vacation. i’d like to go away somewhere — anywhere — where i don’t have to cook, don’t have to clean, don’t have to focus on anything but having fun with my family. i haven’t been to jamaica in nearly 10 years. i haven’t been to london in nearly 10 years. i haven’t been too many places since having children. i don’t regret that, of course, but i think they are getting to ages where they might enjoy being in different places, too. of course, all of these pipe dreams cost money. (what’s powerball at today?)

so i came home from my temporary exile. i saw a cleaning lady — i didn’t see any others — so i grabbed my laptop and headed for BC’s room, where i worked on my novel some more. when the lady left at 11:30, i came out and headed for the answering machine. one message was from the nurse practitioner at the hematologist’s office.

now, this lady is a wonderful, wonderful lady. she saw me at my bitchy, cranky, sickliest worst, and still, she is so sweet to me.  but she only calls when blood tests come back and something is off. like the time when she called to tell me that i was rather iron-poor, and perhaps we ought to check into that a little.

now, i know that this month, my doctor sent my blood away (a weird image, i know) to a place to check on my immunoglobulins. see, he is trying to figure out whether perhaps a virus has something to do with this idiopathic condition i seem to be fighting. my platelets are on the downward trend (i’m only 1k above normal now. i suspect i will be subnormal always, which isn’t so bad. i think in many parts of my life, i am probably subnormal, LOL), and we’re still trying to figure out whether we can discern a cause for all of this mess. i guess i suspected that nothing remarkable would come back, news-wise, and i would go for my monthly doctor’s visit to find that there’s nothing interesting about my blood, virally-speaking.  but i missed the NP’s call. she doesn’t usually call unless something is awry. and now she is gone for the rest of the day.

i guess you could say i am going to stew on this for the rest of the day and night.

i mean, maybe i ought not to think ahead about planning any stupid vacations. i may be in the fucking hospital by the time a vacation would creep up, and then i’d disappoint everyone. i suppose they could go without me, but a) i don’t think the kids would do that voluntarily, and b) that would be too much of a burden for BS.

yesterday, while waiting to pick up BC at school, i met a woman and her four year old son. next week, he starts chemo for brain cancer. boy, i’ve got nothing to cry about in comparison.

i really ought to stop feeling sorry for myself. really. i’m just so frustrated by something that defies explanation. i’m a big cause and effect kind of person. i see a problem: i like to solve it and move on. but there are no answers at present, and there may never be answers.

i’m just so damn mad.