lately, i have been feeling like i am the world's worst mom.

at night, BC doesn't want to go to sleep. she only wants me to sit and sit and sit with her forever. which, of course, i would be tempted to do if only i didn't need sleep. so after stories, chocolate milk, and sitting in my lap for two songs on her nighttime CD, i put her in her bed. i sit for two more songs as she gets settled on her own, then i tell her good night. i tell her that she needs to go to sleep so i can check on her while she is sleeping (something she loves, even though she is never awake to see me do it. but i am a mom, and i keep to my word – i check on her once each night and give her a kiss.)

the past few times, she fights me. she wants me to staaaaaaay. i have squirted away the monsters with my special anti monster serum (a cheap squirt bottle i filled with water). i have helped her to go the bathroom one last time. but still, she screams and wails. and i pick her up and i put her back in her bed. last night, i lost my temper and screamed at her. she laughed in my face. this, of course, made me madder. but i just started to tell her of the things i would take away if she didn't get in bed. (TV, swim class this weekend, etc.) she still does not grasp consequences.

we don't spank in our house. and there are times when i can understand why people spank. the frustration level when you are tested by a three-year-old mastermind can be excessively high. i am ever so grateful that i kept, and keep it together and still don't spank. eventually, i got her back into bed and, ever the keen manipulator of mom's heart, BC said, “mommy? i love you.”

after all the screeching, wailing, uncooperative behavior, i get that.

some days i wonder if i am doing something terribly wrong.