Category: BS (beloved spouse)

christmas songs

Posted on December 20, 2007 by wrekehavoc

yes, it’s that time of year when we are bombarded with christmas songs, like it or not. i made a mix which you can check out (on your right) called chrismakwanzikah which has everything from yellowman to vince guiraldi. (it’s pretty schizophrenic.) even though i’m a nice jewish girl, there are certain christmas songs i look forward to hearing every year.

the little drummer boy : only when it’s sung by the vienna boys choir. and i cry. i don’t much like the bing crosby/david bowie (ding dong, it’s ziggy calling!) version. surprisingly.

step into christmas by elton john. maybe because it was released when i was little, but whenever i hear this, i get excited about the season. yes, i’ve mentioned before that i’m a red sea pedestrian. but i still get excited. maybe i was excited at the prospect that i, too, would one day wear glasses the size that sir elton did.

father christmas by the kinks. it reminds me of BS every time i hear it, as he loves this song. it figures: it’s about santa getting mugged by poor kids who want money, and jobs for their dads, and, oh yeah, how about a machine gun? give all the toys to the little rich boys.

santa claus is comin to town by bruce springsteen. oh, c’mon. did you REALLY think i wouldn’t include this one?

the christmas song by nat king cole. no one will ever cover this song well enough for me. period.

linus and lucy from a charlie brown christmas. i just wish i could dance as well as some of those cool kids in the scene.

the beatles christmas messages, like this one (which includes john lennon’s imitiable words that i sing every year: rudolph the red nose reindeer had a very shiny nose cos everybody picked it), this one, this one, this one, this one (including my fave, christmas time is here again.) this one, this one, (including yoko ono, of whom i’m not a huge fan.) i used to wait and wait until my local radio station would play these. they were a real treat. and it’s funny — you can tell a lot about the beatles from their christmas messages — they start out doing it all together in the beginning, then they start their own compositions and include a spouse or so toward the end. 1969 sounds so clearly pasted together by individual beatles to me. i’ll stick with 1967 and 1966, thank you very much.

christmas in hollis by run dmc. it’s christmastime in hollis, queens. mom’s cookin’ chicken and collard greens. ’nuff said.

there are plenty of other songs — like adam sandler’s chanukah offerings — that i enjoy. but i really, really look forward to hearing those songs.

i’ll finish with lyrics by the kinks. it sums up my feelings about this time of year, when people are happy to share things with the less fortunate but somehow forget about them the other days of the year:

Have yourself a merry merry christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin
While you’re drinkin down your wine

explaining homosexuality to a 9 year old

Posted on December 16, 2007 by wrekehavoc

BS left a Time Magazine on the top of the toilet as he always does. he’s always weeks behind on his quality reading, so this issue must be at least a month or so old. one headline that screams from the cover: Yep, He’s Gay.

BC and i were in the bathroom at the same time, she washing her hands and me drying mine. it was one of those slow-motion moments where i saw her eyes leap to the monosyllabic words, words she can easily read. and i knew hilarity would ensue.

mama, girlfriend said, what does that mean?

what?

“gay” she said. duh, mama.

attempting to be as matter of fact as if i were discussing butter or baseball, i replied, gay is when two people are in love with each other and they are both men or both women.

i saw girlfriend processing this one. she made an uneasy face. i wanted to head it off at the pass.

you know, buzz (one of her nicknames), i added, in this world, you are lucky if you can find someone you love who loves you back. it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a boy or a girl.

that finished it. we were both satisfied.

fin.

wile e. coyote. supergenius.

Posted on December 11, 2007 by wrekehavoc

i suspect i am not the only person out there who wonders whether my brain is completely full of information and incapable of admitting more without letting some of the matter, important or unimportant, go.

i wonder about these things, especially at this time of year, because i simply cannot figure out where things have gone. it is holiday time, and i have officially faked myself out. two of BS’s presents, bought a little while ago, were put away in my usual BS Present Hiding Spot ™. Only, too bad for me, as junie b would say, cos they are now officially M.I.A. the kids often play around my official hiding spot, but BC, who would be on the ball for these sorts of things, has no recollection of seeing said items. and i know i saw them last week when i first wrapped a chanukah present for BS. so i probably put them somewhere else so that they’d be supertopsecretsafe.

boy. i’m so smart. so incredibly, freakishly smart. (grrrr.)

i also noticed that a pair of jeans i bought online are missing. they’ve been languishing in a box in the closet, waiting for me to put them on when i finally admitted that i would be comfy in that size and would be ready to venture forth and get them shortened. they’re missing now, too.

i suspect that jimmy hoffa is out there somewhere, using BS’s presents and wearing my g-ddamned jeans.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 4.

Posted on December 10, 2007 by wrekehavoc

ah, the happiest place on earth.

first, a round-up of some of the happy moments, for those of you who think i hate everything. (and, for the record, i don’t.)

1) BC, age 9, discovering her “favorite” rides at disney: rockin’ rollercoaster, space mountain, and expedition everest. i have to say that the imagineers (another great job title, methinks) have an incredible way of making your wait (and yes, friends, sans a fastpass, you will wait. and sometimes with a fastpass, you will wait.) somewhat entertaining. i especially enjoyed expedition everest’s realistic paraphenalia; it made me actually even more interested in the area and the people of the region. and going on said rides with my kid? priceless 🙂

2) jools, age 4.5, discovering his favorite rides: buzz lightyear, star tours (and yes, i went on this 6 times thanks to little man and memorized the corny jokes of the person who got us situated), the haunted mansion (which broke down while he and i were riding it one NIGHT, right in front of some graves — and he wasn’t scared (though i was a little creeped out) and watching the how-to show on becoming a jedi. (be prepared for the crowd to get crazy when the man running the show highlights his first young female jedi-in-training.) i’ll admit: i love going on buzz lightyear a lot, too. i also think everyone in the family loved mickey’s philharmagic. i think it’s the best of disney’s 3-d shows, even better than the old muppets chestnut. also, test track (note that jools is not afraid of roller coasters, so if your child is, he might not enjoy it as much)

3) we had lovely meals at boma and jiko. the kids were a little perplexed by the food choices in the norwegian restaurant akershus (we’re not from the big scandinavian food choosers), but as that was where the princess lunch was, that’s what we ate. i would recommend people stick to the breakfast if possible, though lunch is ok (just not what i would normally pay that kind of money for 😉

4) as people staying at WDW, we were allowed to send our kids to a childcare center (for extra $ of course). we chose simba’s cub club in the animal kingdom (so that we could have one grownup dinner date.) not a terribly high-tech place, but when we returned to pick the kids up (at 9:30; we’re so lame at staying out late), the kids begged us to let them stay. of course, they were fed a meal they loved of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, with all the cookies they could stuff; what’s not to like? kids age 4-12 can enjoy this, though they must be potty-trained to do so (we actually saw a couple getting busted — their daughter was in pull-ups. you know it’s not a good sign when you walk into the club and the cast member takes you aside and says: “there’s something we need to talk about.”) $10 an hour per kid. actually comparable to what we pay around here, almost, when you throw in the pizza we always order for the kids and the sitter 😉

5) the parks, especially the magic kingdom, are WILDLY crowded on night when they stay open late. the exception to this for us was when we paid extra for mickey’s christmas party. it was a snap to get on rides that night. little parties and dancing aboundeth that night — my kids danced with goofy, and yes, dear reader, even jaded little me enjoyed that moment. that’s the night when they have the much vaunted holiday parade.

RANT ALERT! (you knew i couldn’t go all the way through in a happy way, didn’t you?)

we used to visit disney when i was little. i’ve sat through a gazillion parades. and even though they’ve always piped in music, the people in the parade used to sing. i’m pretty darn sure of that. so i am wondering why we all sit for hours to watch people lip-synch? i have zero interest in watching people lip-synch. i want actual singing, people. if i want lip-synching, i’ll go watch some MTV awards show.

jools slept through the christmas parade. BC loved it. so i’m just a picky-picky crank.

but you knew that already.

reindeer romp

Posted on December 8, 2007 by wrekehavoc

this morning, in the rainy, icy, snowy early hours of the day, BC ran her first 5k as part of her girls on the run program. girlfriend was a bit frightened before the fact; 1) she invited her school principal to be her buddy since BS and i can’t run with her (yet) — and the dear man accepted; 2) there was a little added pressure because girlfriend ended up as a sort-of poster child for the event, courtesy of the Washington Post; and 3) she actually can’t run all the way through (yet).

BS — who is actually fighting some throaty-coughing thing — took her to the run, as he didn’t want me to risk getting sick out there. and he reported that BC’s principal was as good as his word — she ran, he ran. she walked, he walked. and even though the man is actually a serious runner, he stayed with her through to the finish line. (you bet your butt that man is getting a thank you note and some homemade cookies next week.)

i’m so proud of girlfriend. she finished what she started. (i’ve never started, much less finished, a 5k.) and she wants to keep going in the spring.

you go, girl.

my big, fat walt disney world vacation. part 1.

Posted on December 6, 2007 by wrekehavoc

and you may ask yourself, why the hell isn’t that boring chick writing much? she usually spews about anything. we’ve had radio silence for days, and that’s simply just not like her to be that considerate by shutting her trap.

well, fear not. i’m not being considerate. my blathering self is back. we just spent a few days in the ~~barmy~~ balmy place known as ~~westworld~~ walt disney world. you know, the happiest place in the world? (dammit, at the rates i paid, you will be happy, and nothing will go wrong, or else!) sorry i didn’t let you know in advance, but i didn’t feel like announcing to potential doers-of-evil that i was vacating my premises for a bit. but we’re back. i suspect that there are several points to rant over, so this may take a few days to get out of my system.

(don’t say you weren’t warned.)

for a stunning twist, we decided to take the autotrain this year. you load your car onto the train, then you sleep through the carolinas and all of their kitschy roadside south of the border signage until VOILA! you’re in scenic sanford. (and when i say scenic, i mean scenic like being on the wrong side of scrub pines and railroad tracks.) this time of year, the autotrain is packed, and i mean packed, TO THE GILLS, with senior citizens on their way to flaaa-rida. dahling. i would say that this trip predominantly included most of the citizenry from the greater new york metropolitan area. our family probably lowered the median age a bit.

you know it’s going to be a fabulous ride when the dining attendants hide the hot cocoa packets because the seniors rip them off. (my kids, in a moment of sweetness i wish i had captured on film, smiled so nicely at the attendant that she gave them two additional packets for later. i guess she figured we weren’t a threat to the stash.) but we were off, and everyone was nice to us once we got past the whole boarding thing. (there were a few alta cockers who i feared might run over us with luggage carts should we have the temerity to attempt to walk before them.) but the older folks who were in our little slice of AMTRAK heaven were mostly nice and didn’t monopolize the bathrooms. one even gave BC a dollar in honor of her birthday, which was sweet (even after BC said no thank you and the lady insisted.) now i just have to train these people to not speak REALLY INCREDIBLY LOUDLY WHEN IT’S 10:00 AT NIGHT AND THEY ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR. myrtle, your hearing aid may blow up if you keep that shit up.

where am i going with this? to disney world, of course, silly.

anyway, once we arrived in sanford, the old folks rallied to the very front of the station, as if their personal sheer will would make their car come out before everyone else’s. all, apparently, except for one family, whose car actually came out first. 45 minutes later, the announcer on the PA was getting really snippy: Eber Family, Car # 405, EBER Family, You really need to get your big asses over here right now and take your car away before we sell it on Ebay for $1! okay, so that’s more what was going on in my little bear brain, but the PA Announcer was not far from me on that, you know.

BC asked an interesting question: mama, why do all of these grandparents drive big SUVs? i couldn’t imagine any of them stepping up so high without requiring surgical intervention, but apparently, they can and they do. i scratched my head. i really don’t know, sweetheart was all i could muster. BC decided that maybe they all have to drive their grandchildren around in carpools. yeah right, darling. in their dreams they are all driving that carpool. then, after two days of kids screaming and dropping cheerios in their formerly-clean interiors, they are begging for mercy.

we went on our honeymoon to disney nearly 18 years ago. we did not decide to have children until 8 years after that, probably because a trip to disney is the finest form of birth control around. that being said, i was now wondering whether i would find seniors scarier than children.

I'm Mighty! by Kate Mcmullan and Jim Mcmullan

Posted on November 28, 2007 by wrekehavoc

got a preschooler, especially of the male kind? then you need the McMullans. they absolutely get the favorite feelings of little kids — i’m tough, i’m stinky, and i’m dirty. what kid doesn’t want to be those? different vehicles show how you don’t have to be big to be cool. i especially love reading i’m mighty with a new york accent. it drives jools up the wall, but i don’t care. their writing is so authentic and wonderful, it makes me happy to pretend i’m gross, too.

(remember. i said p r e t e n d. i don’t want word to get out that i’m unclean.)

I’m Mighty!

I Stink!

I’m Dirty!

thanksgiving whine

Posted on November 20, 2007 by wrekehavoc

i like writing about books and music as much as the next gal, but gee whiz! some people are wondering about me, the chick behind the curtain! why, i haven’t whined (publicly) in a least a week – what gives!? thus, here’s some whine and cheese for good measure.

when we last left our heroine, she was sick. guess what? i’m sick again. yes, the magic of my condition is such that i pick up every. single. bug. there. is. so a big-n-hearty ~~fuck you!~~ thank you to anyone who lets their kid hit school or daycare with serious stuff (and no, i don’t mean things like runny noses. if we all kept out of circulation when we had colds, no one would ever see daylight.) people like me are thrilled beyond belief that your child and mine will touch and i will be the happy recipient of your child’s generosity.

hey, while you’re at it — can you manage to not vaccinate your children, too? i really can’t wait to see how my immune system hacks it when your measles, mumps, or rubella-laden kid shares her joy with me. (and all because you read some bullshit on the internet about MMR shots causing autism. which they don’t, by the way.) see, i’ve been vaccinated, but as we’ve found from all the testing done on me, i’m not only bionic, i also don’t have very good resistance to things, even when i’m vaccinated. it’s all about my immune system. smallpox? nearly killed me when i was 6 months old, but hell — bring. it. on. just because you’re a selfish fuckwit who refuses to vaccinate.

if you can’t tell, miss crankypants is just a little bitter today. but i’ll lighten things up with things for which i am thankful.

1) the comb that i accidentally flushed down the toilet last week? you know, the one i never actually wrote about because i was too busy talking about books? well, i’m not exactly thankful for THAT, but i am thankful for the plumber who came out and told me that the very worst thing that would happen would be that i’d need to replace the toilet. see, BS painted pictures of lawns being pulled up. pipes being dredged. college funds following said comb. it was an ugly, ugly time. when i told the plumber about BS’s nightmarish scenario, he laughed and told me that i should tell BS that the tree people would be there next week to start pulling up the trees. obviously, he doesn’t realize that BS’s sense of humor had followed the comb down.

2) i’m thankful my house did not blow up kablooey last week after i had to clean the dryer out with Goo Gone, something i had to do once before. once again, a certain someone left cinnamon gum in her clothing. i knew it wasn’t Miss Scarlet with a lead pipe in the library. using my incredible, supergenius-mom powers of deduction, i know a few things: 1) BS doesn’t chew gum; 2) i hate cinnamon gum; and 3) jools has no earthly way of getting his hands on any gum. BC strikes again. i couldn’t get all the gum out with simple elbow grease, so i called in the tangy orange flammable joy that is the Goo Gone. it works, but i was afraid to use my dryer for days. i rationalized that i was doing the earth a favor by hanging my laundry up to dry. which, hopefully, balanced out the toxic, orange fumes i unleashed upon the earth.

but you know, after wearing stiff jeans one day too long, i got a bit antsy. i did what any other red-blooded, passive-aggressive person would do: i waited until BS had laundry to do. i informed him, of course, of the dryer’s status. (if he gets all blown up, then i end up a single mom. there’s no way on Dog’s Green Earth that he’s getting off that easy.) he told me he would gladly try things out once i took some dishwashing liquid and scrubbed the dryer’s inside. which i did. and the rest, as they say, is history.

which fortunately, i can add, is not our status.

3) good things come in threes. and i’m here to report that jools has decided to act like a camel, which would be really useful if i could ride him up I-95, gasoline being as expensive as it is these days. unfortunately, he has decided to be the less-than-nice part of being a camel: he has decided to spit at people when they piss him off. i’m not entirely sure where this comes from: no one in our family spits. in fact, he has heard me several times railing against the no-class bubbas who spit and who probably had the wrong end smacked at birth. but mr. man has decided to spit at his classmates, a major bozo no-no from every angle. so, to bring things full circle, i am thankful that my boy has had all of his shots!

yes, you and your child may end up sharing this lovely snotty, coughing thing that we all have around here. but you can rest assured that my son’s spit will not result in your contracting polio.

which is probably a lot more than i can say about my risk around you and yours.

junie b jones by barbara park

Posted on November 20, 2007 by wrekehavoc

pity poor junie b. jones.

the scrappy heroine of many, many books about her hapless adventures in kindergarten and first grade, she has been reviled by plenty of elementary school teachers, who ban her from classrooms because she commits a sin so heinous, she might cripple your child:

she speaks like an honest-to-G-d kid.

some teachers and parents fear that if your kid reads junie b., her english and her grammar will be ruined for years to come. (i know mine has.)

honestly, though, as a writer, i adore junie b.’s voice. park has captured the diction and attitude of a girl-of-a-certain-age to perfection. and as a parent, i adore the fact that her stories are soooo funny, soooo engaging, that BC actually wanted to read. we’ve listened to a bunch of these on tape during car trips, and i’m here to tell you that even BS got wrapped up in the plots. i never, ever understand why people are so frightened by a book. yes, books are very, very powerful instruments. banishing them does no one any good.

in spite of 1st grade teachers discouraging their students from reading from this series, don’t worry about barbara park. i’m sure she’s crying all the way to the bank.

i’m still waiting for junie b to end up as a float in the macy’s t-day parade.

Junie B. Jones’s First Boxed Set Ever! (Books 1-4)

Junie B. Jones’s Second Boxed Set Ever! (Junie B. Jones)

Junie B. Jones’s Third Boxed Set Ever! (Books 9-12)

Junie B. Jones’ Fourth Boxed Set Ever! (Junie B. Jones)

happy birthday to you by dr. seuss

Posted on November 18, 2007 by wrekehavoc

::amazing guitar intro:: you say it’s your birthday?

it’s BS’S Birthday too, yeah!

and while it’s not strictly a tween girl book by any stretch, i thought i’d write today about one of my favorite (and jools’ favorite) seuss books, Happy Birthday To You! i think this one gets overlooked a bit — i mean, it’s hard to compete with the classics, and lord knows ted wrote his fair share of amazingly enduring reads.

in short, this book reminds you that you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people LIKE you! because, as ted wisely writes:

If you’d never been born, well what would you do? If you’d never been born, well what would you be? Why, you might be a WASN’T.

i love this book because it works for kids, it works for grownups, it works for kids who think they’re grownups, and anyone else i’ve forgotten. basically, you are somebody worth knowing and celebrating — just because you’re you!

So, BS:

…that’s What the Birthday Bird Does in Katroo.

And I wish I could do All these great things for you!

Happy Birthday to You!