Category: BS (beloved spouse)

the wonder pets

the wonder pets

my 4 year old suddenly has discovered the wonder pets. a year late, of course, but we’re a little slow to watch much on Nick. i hate the fact that they show commercials to the preschool set. hate hate HATE it.

linny, tuck, and ming-ming, too. they’re wonder pets and they eat poo.

no, not really. i’m just losing it watching these things which BS is now TIVOing for hellboy’s watching pleasure. thanks to my friend TIVO we can cruise right over those age-appropriate ads on Nick Jr for things like hair replacement, which all preschoolers seriously need.  i suppose the wonder pets aren’t as bad as watching barney (and i remember the vile jurassic entity in his heyday), which made me actually ill. we tried to banish barney from our home when BC was small, but as every friend of hers watched it at daycare, it was impossible. we embraced him, getting some used home videos and a few toys.

the phase passed. thousands rejoiced.

so as a mom, i’ve learned you cannot banish things unless you want them to grow larger than life. i will learn to embrace the wonder pets. i will become one with the wonder pets. i will… i will stop singing every blessed word that emanates from my mouth in a style like the wonder pets do. like: ju-lian. come eat your BREAK-fast!

i can’t stop SING-ing.  this is see-weee-us! 

the worst was when i tried to sing along with one part. only, too bad for me, cos i got the words wrong:

we’re not too big and we’re not too smart. but when we work together we’ve got the right STUFF!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WONDER PETS!

wait a second. we’re not too smart? that can’t be right. i must be hallucinating.

speaking of hallucinations, am i the only one who is wondering whether college kids get together, get stoned, and watch the wonder pets? it SCREAMS drinking game, just like love boat did when i was, er, when i was watching it in re-runs.  many. years. ago.

anyway, maybe i can use the wonder pets to encourage certain younger family members to help out around the house. i can grab my trusty broom, hand it to the younger hellboy, grab the dustpan, and sing at the top of my happy lungs:

what’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!

wonder pets. it’s a tv show, a chore-helper AND a drinking game.  not that i would ever encourage the latter, of course.

unless anyone wants to come over my house sometime with some mojitos.

back in radio frequency again

back in radio frequency again

apologies to those who wondered whether i took IVIG treatments and then went off to die somewhere. you know the quote about my demise being a bit premature.

in truth, i was off in NJ. (i realize that for some of you, that might be the same as going off and dying.) for me, a dyed-in-the-wool jersey girl, going to NJ means going home, even if i haven’t actually lived there since 1989. (in fact, in four years, i will have lived here the same amount of time as i lived in NJ. but you’ll never, ever see me calling myself a virginian. nevah. not that there’s anything wrong with it, of course.)

it’s going to a place where people drink cawfee, get decent pizza, and even sometimes go down the shore. since BS abandoned me (okay, okay, take away the divorce papers, BS! — he didn’t really abandon me, he went to see his folks and then go to a poker tournament in AC, followed by a 10 hour train ordeal (he was on a train behind this one) that made him never want to travel trains again in this life or any other), my dear friend from college and the kids and i hung out on saturday and then drove up through a monsoon (and no, i am not making that up) on sunday to get to my folks’ house. (exit 8, for those of you who mind that stuff.)

we had a great visit on monday at my brother the doctor‘s (BTD) house, where we saw my aunt, my cousin steph and her family, and steph’s mom and dad. (and don’t forget my middle brother, who probably should be knighted one day.) steph and i went to college together, so it was pretty funny that we are cousins who turned out to be friends (a concept that still stymies BC a little.) BC ended up getting along really wonderfully with steph’s oldest daughter, who is a year younger than she.

BC also got nipped by my BTD’s psychotic little rat dog (a dog, i would add, that hates my BTD) when she tried to step over him to get out of his way. on the bright side, if you’re going to get bitten by a dog, follow BC’s three solid steps:

1) know the dog that bites you really, really well — well enough to know it isn’t rabid. [check.]

2) get bitten in a house where a doctor is present. [check.]

and finally,

3) get bitten in a house where a veterinarian is present. (AKA steph’s husband.) [check.]

my BTD cleaned and dressed the wound once BC was done swimming; he felt that the pool was going to clean the thing pretty effectively. and steph’s husband pronounced sparky (that would be the aforementioned psychotic little rat dog, and i do say that with affection) to have “a dominance problem.” and so it went.

on tuesday, my aunt and middle brother helped me take the two kids to liberty science center. i started to cry as we approached jersey city on the turnpike — after all, it was the first time i had seen the NYC skyline up close since 1997. i knew exactly what was missing, and i felt that pain right in my gut. but i’m a mom, and i have to buck up unless i want to start answering pesky questions like: “mama, why would anyone want to fly a plane into a building? will someone fly a plane i’m on into a building?” and so on. so i did.

i’d never been to the center, which recently reopened after a renovation. some of the exhibits weren’t finished, so we all got a break on admission costs; however, too bad for us, as about 4,000 (no exaggeration) kids from the five boroughs were visiting on “camp day.” billions of kids from harlem, brownsville, and the like were enjoying the day. i have no problem with kids from any camps visiting; i just wish the influx hadn’t been on the day we were there. but they were. you had to see BC walking down the steps, asking politely kids to please excuse her so that she could pass, only to be ignored a few times. finally, she stuck out her elbow and moved people out of the way. there’s a part of you as a parent that feels horror at such moments (especially since they were kids from a tough place and could have easily beat the crap out of her suburban ass), and yet also a little piece of you that feels proud that your kid is a toughie. but you hide that latter bit because you know it’s not socially acceptable to have your tiny little kid pushing her way through a crowd. [note to self: BC has a career in being an advance person or security for a band.]

btw, liberty science center has a great little room for the 2-6 year old set, where they have hands-on stuff for them to do. but while their exhibits are pretty neat, i found that a lot of them required a lot of reading. without a tour guide or a docent, it is a tough place for a kid to sustain interest unless you have one really super-excited parent. which i was not. once again, a big shout out to my aunt and my hopefully-one-day-beknighted middle brother (who took the day off for this experience, awesome uncle that he is.)

note to liberty science center folks, if you’re out there: if you plan on having thousands of children from camps there, consider closing the center to the public for that day. i have to tell you, i don’t think i’ll be back again if i think the place is going to be overrun. i’m a parent, and i understand that children have field trips. but perhaps you can manage how many classes/camps come at one time so that the other folks who are there don’t feel overrun and overwhelmed. lunchtime was absolutely unreal in your cafe.

we had fun visiting my inlaws and nieces the next day, and we had a little outlet shopping action with grandma the next. we reintroduced grandpa to pad thai and drove grandma crazy (but in a good way, i think.) and i caught BC’s cold. my aforementioned brother (did i mention he ought to be knighted?) took friday and drove us in my car down to the train station at BWI so that i didn’t have to drive most of the way since i felt so awful. (then he took the train back. what a guy.)

so we’re back. i’m sick as a dog. the house is a disaster. but we’re home.

yay, us.

reporting in

reporting in

i had an IVIG treatment yesterday, and i survived it 🙂 i was wicked tired afterwards — still am — but i didn’t seem to go through any sort of convulsions this time. i have a headache, but otherwise, i’m pretty damn good. i guess these things get better over time. now, if only the nurse could find a place for the IV on the first shot, it would be super.

finally, i received a copy of my trough levels — meaning the levels of IgG and IgA in my blood just before a treatment. not surprisingly, they’re low. in the inimitable words of my brother the doctor, “if they weren’t low, you wouldn’t need the treatment.” well, duh 😉 they broke down my IgG into 4 different types, which my brother also noted was a useless waste of test money, as i can’t control precisely what sort of IgG ends up in my gammagard soup anyway. all that’s important is knowing whether i’m low in total. which i am. sadly.

BS gave me a good perspective yesterday, one i needed to hear. he took me to wegmans after my treatment, and we sat and had the closest thing to a lunch date that we’ve had in years. i started to whine about what they might discover in the blood supply in 20 years. i mean, look what happened to those poor hemopheliacs before they figured out the whole HIV thang. and BS looked me in the eye and said one of the smartest things he’s said in a while: “you take this stuff so you can be AROUND in 20 years. without it, there’s a chance you won’t be. so don’t worry about what they’re going to discover then.” the point, you see, is to make it there 🙂

and i intend to.

stewing in my own gazpacho

stewing in my own gazpacho

it’s been a fabulous week.

1st, a young woman ran her scooter into the back of our car. i’m glad she was absolutely fine. BS offered to take her to the fire station up the block so she could get medical attention, but she said she was fine. (and she seemed ok from where i sat.) thank goodness everyone was ok. but now, we have the joy of getting the bumper and back of our car fixed.

2nd, we noticed some water around our A/C. the A/C man came, told me we were freezing up and losing freon. and this was probably due to the fact that the A/C was from 1984. so we’re also looking at a chunk of change to replace the A/C.

3rd, i have an IVIG  treatment tomorrow. the nurses are very nice, but i hope the one who finds my veins is the poker tomorrow so i don’t end up with an arm that makes me look like keith richard’s evil twin, circa 1969. oh, and it would be nice if i could ascertain whether these are working.

in short, i’m a little cranky. if you couldn’t tell, of course.

jesus wept. and G-d laughs Her Ass off.

jesus wept. and G-d laughs Her Ass off.

somedays, i just look up at the sky and wonder what the hell i did. and no, not even on days like today, when i find out that my trough level (the level of my immunoglobulins post my first treatment) is still low. i’m not skee-eerd. after all, i figure it will take a few treatments before someone jumps up and down and screams, woohoo, it’s working.

but meanwhile, back at the ranch…

1) i continue to do lice checks on girlfriend’s hair. nevermind i only usually find one or two eggs each day and no live lice. i am determined to hit a week where i find nothing, nada. and believe me, lice checks suck. i have to sit there and go through every bit of BC’s topical real estate to find anything. it’s hard, and i am noticing that my 40+ year old eyes are squealing like someone is dragging them uphill.

for those keeping score, here are things we’ve done to get rid of lice.

a) use OTC Nix/Rid product (2 treatments) that probably will ensure that BC will grow another head. [check]

b) put olive oil on head and sleep in shower cap. [check]

c) put original listerine on head, shove hair in shower cap, then let it dry. [check] [and if you’re wondering, yes, your hair smells like original listerine for days afterwards.]

d) buy tea tree shampoo and conditioner. use daily. [check] [smells somewhat like original listerine. ugh.]

e) bag every non-washable item in BC’s room for several weeks. [check]

f) wash every washable item in BC’s room in hot water and hot dryer. on a 90 degree day. [check]

so, one would think that all this effort made a deep impression on BC, as in, “gee, mama really wants these things to get the hell out of our life.”

but noooooo.

BC is in a camp called dance around the world; and yesterday, she informed me, was bollywood day. (and yes, i must tape her doing her bollywood dance moves. i nearly peed myself laughing on that one.) i’m not quite sure why, but in her infinite wisdom, BC decided to dump what appears to be a metric ton of silver glitter IN HER HAIR. this stuff is STUCK TO HER SCALP. and guess what? it makes it VERY FUCKING HARD TO DO A LICE CHECK.

so BS, if you’re reading this, let it be known that i was not supposed to tell daddy. (she meant verbally, so i think i’m covered.) but rest assured, girlfriend is washing her hair in the loathed tea tree shampoo/conditioner duo for the rest of the week.

and she has already incurred the wrath of mama(TM) .

but wait, there’s more.

2) a most adorable little dude is celebrating his second birthday, and i am honored to be baking cake for 60+ people. jools is home with me today, and we’re having a great time (now is quiet time, so i can type on my laptop and he can play Freddy Fish on the other computer). a great time other than a slight mishap.

we were mixing cake number one. jools had his big spoon and was stirring the batter as i was hooking up my portable hand mixer. we used my biggest bowl, one where the kids can stir a decent distance from anything i might be doing. so as i was reminding him, just as THE WORDS WERE LEAVING MY MOUTH, words that said DON’T EVER PUT THE SPOON IN THE MIXER WHILE THE MIXER IS GOING, jools did the unthinkable. he put the spoon in the mixer.

BVVVIT!

and then, the mighty mixer, the mixer that had survived for nearly 18 years, broke. never to go again.

once i made sure that he was absolutely fine, i barked at him for not listening to my words. and he cried, cried, cried, cried, cried.

so G-d, if you’re listening. can you get me kids who listen to me occasionally and think?

oh, and a handmixer would be nice, too.

every silver lining has a cloud

every silver lining has a cloud

one of my SILs, who was married a month before BS and i (lo, 17 years ago), received a video camera (remember those, boys and girls?) as a wedding present. so, when BS and i were married, she used it to record the day. she is the only one who did, as i didn’t hire someone to do that. some scenes are fuzzy, some moments are inaudible, but i’m awfully glad she did that; years later, i can barely remember the day. it’s all a blur.

but i’m watching the video now for the first time in years, and it is breaking my heart. i see people there who are no longer there, like my aunt josie in her hot pink attire (who jools is named for), BS’s nana (who is being shaken like a leaf dancing with an ex-boyfriend of one of my SILs), and of course, my gram. i’m reminded that my gramps died only a year and a half prior. he isn’t there. and i see a scene which kills me: my gram is slumped, her head on her hands on the back of her chair. the day is too much for her; the devastation of sitting there without my gramps is all too much. her face speaks volumes of sadness.

i see my oldest friend in the world, who flew in from TX for the day. i have not seen her since that day, though we still email each other every so often. i see friends from high school, some i still see, some i can’t bear to see. i see people with ex-spouses, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, even my own ex-boyfriend is at the wedding. (don’t ask.)

at the risk of sounding like the most ungrateful bitch in the world, i didn’t really enjoy my wedding. it just wasn’t really me. or maybe it was me, at the time. but i don’t think so. i didn’t even both shopping around much for the gown. i saw one that was the right price, albeit it was a little too large for me. and i was done. it all felt like this big machine swirling around me. i was merely a little bolt.

i guess weddings aren’t the most important things in the world; what matters is the marriage.

better living through lice

better living through lice

it finally happened.

for weeks, if not months, one of BC’s buddies has had lice. it never seemed to go away. then, several other girls in her class got it. then, the girl who sits next to BC got it. i was beginning to wonder — how on earth has this gotten out of hand?

just as soon as i wrote an email to the school parent’s email list, i noticed BC scratching. sure enough, we saw what looked like lice eggs. and after everyone in this house was thoroughly checked, it appeared that i, too, had lice. ugh. we both shampooed with nix and spent the night with olive oil on our heads. by the morning, i smelled like a sickly salad dressing.

in the morning, i didn’t see many eggs in her hair. she was too afraid to look in mine. but, not knowing the school policy, i figured i would go in to school with her and visit the school nurse. the school nurse looked in BC’s hair and was impressed by her lack of lice. i asked the nurse to look in my head, too. hahaha, she said. you just have dandruff.

i have never been so happy to broadcast to the world that i merely have dandruff.

children are allowed back in school if they’ve been treated, so BC was told to go to class. i’m feeling rather mixed about this. i wonder whether the epidemic would have been slowed had a few kids stayed home a little bit. i really feel for the parents, though — i completely understand what an incredible pain in the ass it is to clean your house to this extent. i am not joking when i say i have done about 30 loads of laundry in a 24 hour period.

–insert scream here —

anyway, i spent an entire day putting most of BC’s belongings either in a hot laundry/hot dryer combo or bagging them in hefty bags (where they will stay for two-three weeks.) i’m bummed that i finally had cleaned my living room to the point where i could see floor again and start inviting people over my home without feeling fearful that a wrecking crew would be summoned to my house. now, there are about 16 bags in my living room. waah!

i’ve also been cleaning my stuff, too. i am not taking any chances.

i wonder how many calories i have burnt up in housework over the past week?

many, many more reasons why i'm the worst mom ever

many, many more reasons why i'm the worst mom ever

1) i let BC sing along with the gang of four. pity she continues to sing it as i love a man in a unicorn.

2) when moving away from my crazeeee homemade mix to the safer realm of BIG100, i let BC sing along. only, too bad for me. years and years of classic rock playing in the car have taught her the lyrics to feel like makin’ love. yep.  she sang THAT gem at the top of her lungs. thank G-d she doesn’t know what it means. yet.

3) i slipped some tofu into my family’s life. yep. BS hates nuts, so i found a pesto recipe that uses tofu. i clued BS in afterwards; the kids are still in the dark. everyone liked it (though i think the lemon juice in it makes it taste a little weird.)

yep. worst. mom. ever.

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